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Health Matters | Back to basics

Did I mention I'm done with the academic year???  That I've stepped down from my administrative position in the department? That I have a book contract pending? That I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from me as a result of all of these things?

It's only one day after filing grades (and two days before the official end of the semester and the 2011-2012 school year), but already I'm enjoying the return to what feels like My Real Life at last. What. A. Relief. I can go back to being the only thing I ever really wanted to be, professionally, which is a college professor and writer.

My relief and my gratitude are enormous.

With relief and gratitude has also come a need to recommit to intentional living and to my health.  Back in January when I was diagnosed with melanoma, I determined to take care of those aspects of my health that I could control (cancer is not one of them, but mindful eating, exercise, and a healthier weight are).

I lost 12 pounds and then got distracted -- as usual -- by the craziness and stress of work. This, despite a cancer diagnosis, a resulting wound and scar that are still healing, and additional lesions that need to be biopsied. Despite these things, I still allowed the minutiae of life to get in the way of my health.

Almost six months later, eight of those lost pounds have found their way back to me. During that time I was relying entirely too much on alcohol and prescription meds for relaxation and sleep.  Exercise waned.  A friend was diagnosed with her own form of melanoma. And sometime in the past month or so these things made me determine that, as soon as I had the energy to do so, I was going to reprioritize mindfulness and health once more. Life led out of balance wreaks havoc on both the head and the body, and I owe it to myself to take as good care of myself as I can to meet any further health challenges down the road.

This feels good. It feels right. It adds to the sense of relief I feel these past couple of days.

Note to self: it takes energy and work to live mindfully. But it's an energy that's self-renewing, not sapping, as more unbalanced ways of being are.  Why can't I remember this in a consistent, ongoing way?!

So this week I've committed to scheduling all those routine medial appointments that my doctor wrote slips for (actually, I've already done the scariest one for me:  a long-overdue GYN wellness exam -- soo far, no news is good news). I recommitted to a healthier mode of eating today and stocked up on groceries. To help me stay focused, I started reading 100 Days of Weight Loss (essentially a book of affirmations and brief exercises) which was recommended to me. It corresponds nicely to the three months of summer which lie ahead.

And these choices and decisions feel empowering -- in and of themselves.

The one thing that I did manage to do in service of my health recently  is more or less ditch the prescription sleeping meds.  Both my doctor and I agreed that they're bad news, long-term. No, I have not become a pot-head intead (I dislike smoking and the smell and taste of marijuana). But after trial and error, I have found that the occasional use of a very small amount of tasteless, scentless cannibis mouth spray has helped with sleep, with none of the hangover or loopiness of prescription meds.

Who knows? Increased exercise and living with greater mindfulness may eliminate the need for even that! 

Bird by bird. Moment by moment, lived fully.

Ivory Tower | Graduation Day 2012

OMG, the 2011-12 academic year is (almost) over. My course grades are marinating, waiting for me to tweak them one final time before filing them electronically before I go to bed tonight. In an hour or so I'm heading to campus for our department's graduation convocation. I get to give an award to one of our graduates for excellence in critical writing; I will see happy graduates and proud families;  it's a good day.

In addition, I had a chat yesterday with the university press that offered me the advance contract, and they're willing to wait for my decision until I hear back from another press that's reviewing my proposal and two chapters.  "Worst" case?  I'll go with this offer (it's not my first choice of press, but it's respectable, and I've really enjoyed my two converations with the senior acquisitions editor).  Best case?  I'll have a second option to consider with another reputable press.  

Bottom line: I'll sign a contract sometime this summer and have a home for my book.  Exciting! And with contract in hand, I'll be applying at the end of this summer for a semester's sabbatical during the 2013-2014 school year to finish the book -- and I think I have a good chance of getting that.  

Amazing.  I've gone from quaking in my boots, feeling overwhelmed by having to write a book proposal (which I'd never done before) to landing a contract, all in one semester.  I more than fulfilled the goals I had for the grant I received this semester (to write a proposal and go to a national conference to meet with editors).  

I've accomplished a lot this year -- senior administrative experience, writing, awards.  It's been the hardest year I've experienced in this job, including last year in which I went up for and got tenure, or the year before, which I think was our furlough year. But at least I have real progress to show for it.

This, despite a cancer diagnosis of malignant melanoma earlier this year (which, fortunately, appears to have been contained) and all the shenanigans of Frightmare Colleague and a university system which is in severe crisis.

I'm lucky.  Very, very lucky.  

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook 5/20/12

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window there's apparently a solar eclipse about to take place.

I am thinking about what remains to be done to wrap up this semester and this school year.

I am thankful for what I have.

In the kitchen resides neatness, if not cleanliness.

I am wearing a loose top and underpants (hey, the afternoon was warm and the blinds are closed).

I am creating myself anew.

I am going to campus tomorrow for two meetings.

I am wondering when I will hear back from two university presses, one of which has offered me an advance contract (what's taking them so long to get it to me?)

I am reading lots and lots of romantic fiction on my Kindle Fire -- and still prefer the quality, style, and writing of what's put out by major publishers v. the self-published material I've taken a chance on. Stll, some stuff comes close.

I am hoping that I do not eat the entire wedge of Brie sitting at my elbow.

I am looking forward to the official end of the semester.

I am hearing my husband practicing the guitar.

Around the house are sacked out, sleeping kitties.

I am pondering my career trajectory (such as it is) and where I'd like to be in five years.

One of my favorite things Brie (see above).

A few plans for the rest of the week One day at a time: tomorrow it's more grading and two meetings.

Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

Ivory Tower | I've been offered a book contract!

I know, right?  Serious frickin' scream of excitement!  

Mr. X, our series editor [a very big name in my field], and I have had the opportunity to look over your proposal, XXXXXX; a very well put together proposal. The topic is definitely of interest to us ... we would like to offer you an advance contract for the manuscript. I should make it clear that the advance contract is a commitment to publish ... The advance contract expresses our very strong interest in the project and confidence that the conditions of final acceptance will be met. 

 If this offer is acceptable, then I will be happy to send you our contract and its terms and discuss the project further. I do hope for the opportunity to work with you on this truly exciting manuscript. 

Cool, right?  OMG, and all of that teenaged stuff.

There are still caveats to this offer.  It's not my first choice of acaemic press (though it's perfectly respectable and legit), and I have yet to talk with the editor (because I was in shock when the email came in on Friday).  In other words, there are lots of issues still to explore.

But damn. I have an offer from my first round of queries from that conference last March, and I didn't necessarily expect that.  I hoped, but I didn't expect.

My former dissertation chair (a big-wig in the area in which I specialize) asked to see my book proposal once she'd heard I'd gotten the offer.  I wrote it entirely on my own, with no input from others. Her verdict was, thankfully, positive:

That's a great proposal. Thanks for sending it.  I would think that all the publishers would want that book, esp. since you indicate many chapters are drafted already, and you answer all the questions well that many pretty much skip.  Very well written (but of course!)

The woman absolutely does not sugar-coat her opinions, so I trust her assessment. At my request, she gave me some parameters for what's normal/expected/negotiable for first-time academic authors when it comes to book contracts, and that was really helpful.  WhatthehelldoIknow? (Although actually, when I think about it, my instincts were about 85-90% in line with what she laid out to me.)

I'm excited and relieved. One way or another I know I'm going to secure a contract and get that book out there in the world -- peer-reviewed, the whole nine yards.  If I'm very lucky, it may even garner me some repute in the discipline in which I work and write. 

I'm gunning for a sabbatical in 2013-2014 in order to finish the manuscript, and a contract in advance will help me reach that goal.  I also have my sights set firmly on becoming a full professor a couple of years after that (i.e., I want to go up early for that promotion). My longer-term professional plan is to write romances under a pen name for one of the six major presses that publish in the genre. Woot!

All in all, it was a good week.  The contract offer came in on Friday, the same day on which I received an award for "distinguished service" to my College and University (I discovered only at the ceremony that I'd been nominated three times for the award and was the only person in any award category to be nominated multiple times).  Better yet, the award carries a $1,000 prize with it (more than I thought it would by a significant amount), and the two people that I nominated for awards in other categories also won.  

Yay! This past week  was definitely the best of this academic year. Better late than never, bub.

Health Matters | Love my primary care doctor!

It turns out I hadn't seen my PCP in about two years, so a couple of days ago I made an appointment for this morning.

I simply wanted to catch up, consult re: my decisions about meds for insomnia, anxiety, and medical marijuana, and arrange for some wellness exams.  I really like my doctor, and I enjoy the fact that she respects me and my ability to think through and make educated choices.  Not all doctors take that attitude toward their patients.

 We had a good conversation about the medical uses of pot, and she supported my decision to minimize/do away with Lunesta (for insomnia). Lunesta, Ambien, and their ilk all have tendencies to induce various kinds of memory loss, and as I've said, I don't like the hung-over feeling that Lunesta now seems to give me.

She sees less problem with clonazepam (generic for Klonopin), but I'm still going to reserve it for panic attacks and severe bouts of anxiety only.  

She's fine with the occasional use of marijuana for sleep and anxiety, though she also suggested, ever so prosaically, "Have you tried Benadryl for insomnia?"  Good point -- OTC, inexpensive, and readily available.  They give it to me before iron infusions to counteract any allergic reactions, and it does knock me out.

Best of all, in my view, was my doctor's open attitude to my inquiry about getting her support for a prophylactic hysterectomy.  My mother died of what was probably ovarian cancer, my two older sisters have had to have hysterectomies for non-cancerous abnormalites, women like me who have never borne children are at greater risk for GYN ailments as they age,  I'm perimenopausal, I'm anemic, and I want a hysterectomy, goddamnit! "I'm a serious as a heart attack about this," I told her. 

She listened.  Then she asked me a series of questions designed to set me up for an appointment with a female GYN whom she says is great, sensible, and whom, she suspects, will be willing to work with me: "You're at higher risk for GYN cancers, you have X, Y, and Z already, and I think you'll like her.  I see your points, and let's see what we can do."

Thank you.  

So we shall see how my labs turn out. I predict Not Wonderful Things for my calcium/bone tests and vitamins A, D, E, and K.  I hope my glucose is well-regulated (my weight loss surgery has put my Type II diabetes into remission, but one's never truly cured of diabetes once one is diagnosed), and I think my cholesterol and lipids will be good because, after all, I malabsorb a significant percentage of any fats I eat.

Naturally I came away from the appointment with  more orders and referrals than even I'd anticipated. Swell.  I am officially old:

• Full panoply of labs for duodenal switch patients
• Mammogram
• GYN 
• Dexascan (for bone density, as I malabsorb all manner of things after weight-loss surgery, including calcium)
• Colonoscopy (lovely)

It'll take a while for me to get all that done, so I'm give myself until the end of June (which gives me a month after the school years ends).  It'll feel good to bring all of that up to date, despite the fact that I'm not looking forward to having assorted orifices examined in detail. Who would, who does?

Health Matters | Big pharma, medical marijuana, or -- ?

Long-time readers of this blog will know that SSRI anti-depressants transformed my life, beginning in 1997 (so, for 15 years now).  Prior to that point, despite eight years of intensive pyschotherapy, I suffered from clinical major depression and lived much of my life wanting to kill myself.

Yes, it was that bad. There was plenty of circumstantial reason for it between the ages of 3 and 35, but major depression also runs as a biochemical streak throughout generations of both my mother's and my father's sides of the family. Double, triple, and quadruple whammies.

Successive pharmaceutical intervention made all the difference. It leveled the psychological playing field for me so that I had a chance to apply the tools I had learned in therapy and to transform my life. It then allowed me to maintain that transformation and to move on to living a productive and reasonably successful life.

Thankyouthankyouthankyou. I should live my life constantly on my knees in a state of perpetual gratitude, and most of the time I have the sense to know it.

So I'm a lifer on antidepressants.  They require tweaking from time to time as my body becomes overly used to one and it stops being effective, but so far that's been manageable.  Without these medications, I'm convinced that I would be long dead.  They're as necessary to me as oxygen. Case closed.

My two other life-long ailments, in addition to major depression, have been insomnia and anxiety.  All three are somewhat related, of course -- at some times more than others -- and I do understand that. You can't have had as much therapy as I or researched meds as much as I without knowing these things. At the same time that I was initially treated with pharmaceutical intervention for depression, I was also prescribed successive medications for anxiety, mostly on an as-needed basis.  And a few years ago I began taking occasional, as-needed prescription meds for insomnia.  

And yes, in case you're wondering, I also understand that exercise and meditation help improve insomnia and anxiety (they don't do shit for my experience of untreated major depression, but off meds for that, I am very, very ill and can barely move out of bed ... so that's a separate issue) . Activity and meditation absolutely do help mitigate some of my sleeplessness and stress. I am very consciously trying to incorporate more activity and meditation  into my days, even in little ways, and that helps.  But right now?  They're not enough. Just saying,

At the same time, however, I'm not convinced that I want to take the sleep and anxiety meds anymore.

In fact, I've been taking the two medications I've been prescribed for them less and less frequently -- although I still suffer from insomnia (more than ever -- thank you, perimenopause) and anxiety (mostly what I experience now is a lot of day-to-day stress, which is a little different from outright anxiety and certainly from panic attacks, the vast majority of which have almost totally disappeared from my life).  

Why don't I want to take them any longer?  Because frankly, they feel like overkill -- even when I decrease the recommended dose.  They just feel like too much, particularly the next morning. Each one feels like too much as a remedy for whichever problem it's intended -- i.e., insomnia or anxiety.

Now, an alcoholic beverage helps with the stress at the end of the day -- but I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides of the family as well, and medicating with alcohol is most definitely Not a Good Idea for me.  I have had a stressful year on the job, I have been drinking more as a result, and it just doesn't feel wise.  What might be perfectly okay for another person is not okay for me -- not where alcohol is concerned. So ... no.

All of which brings me around to medical marijuana (I live in California where, if you qualify for it, it's legal) and the reason why I decided to discuss the matter with my prescribing psychiatric nurse.  Wouldn't you know it, she's opposed to it.  In rather knee-jerk fashion, I might add. On the grounds that pot can be laced with all manner of other substances, blah, blah, blah.  

"Well, I'm talking about the idea of getting it from a regulated dispensary," I said. "Not off the street -- and of using it instead of the two meds you're prescribing now, not in addition to them, and only on an as-needed basis, not for recreational use."  

Her answer: "Well, I don't prescribe it."

Sigh. "I'm not asking you to; I simply want to have an informed conversation about the issue." But that obviously just wasn't going to happen with her. (She's not my regular prescribing meds person; unfortunately, he's on temporary leave.)

Flash forward a week or so: I met with her antithesis -- a female doctor at a marijuana-friendly clinic --discussed my records and meds with her, and within about half an hour, I  received a one-year card certifying me for medical use of pot. And then I located an upscale dispensary, near my former therapist's office, and, uh, availed myself of its services. ("Do you have a mix that's particularly good for anxiety?  What about insomnia?  I mean, really targeted stuff?")

To be honest, the pot doctor was as knee-jerk positive toward marijuana as my meds nurse had been opposed to it, so as with all health matters, it seems to me that one absolutely must do one's research and due diligence and make an informed decision. I have an appointment with my regular internist tomorrow and am giving her a list of my meds, including the pot, to review them with her.  She and I have a 12-year relationship and work well together, and I want her to know what I'm doing. She may or may not like it, but her input will be valuable, and she oversees all my medical care.

And, after reading and talking with people, what I think I've  decided -- for me, for now -- is that I'd prefer to ditch the prescription sleep med except for completely sleepless nights, reserve the anxiety med for panic attacks only (which I almost never have any longer), decrease the alcohol, up my activity level, and make very light use of pot (a hit or two but not to the point of  being stoned because that feels yucky to me) every now and then when stress or insomnia strike hard.  

I'm not about combining different substances, by the way: a little alcohol, a little pot, a few prescriptions meds???  Recipe for death.  It's important to keep them separate. 

Pot is shorter-acting than the prescription meds, it doesn't leave me feeling hung over as the meds can, it's legal in California, I'm now I.D.'d as a medical patient for it, and I can afford to get it through legitimate, regulated means. 

Er, the one flaw in this plan? I don't much like marijuana. Seriously.  I don't care for the smell. And I hate the experience of smoking. Ahem.  I know, right?  

We'll see. There are various ways to ingest the substance that mitigate the smoke or don't require smoking at all.  I do know that one or two hits do/does work for me, and the help-you-sleep varietal really did its job well the other night without leaving me with a medicated feeling the next morning.  So ... I'm willing to explore this option for now.

Carefully, I might add. I realize I'm protected by my medical card in this state, but still. I don't exactly want to walk into a local head shop or dispensary and be greeted with "Hi, Professor HD!"  Any shopping will have to be done in another town!

Hearth and Home | Spring visitors

It's mid-April, we're already well into spring, and at last northern California is getting some much-needed rain. Yesterday we had almost a full day of it. Today? They're calling for isolated thunderstorms (not the norm in California). Tomorrow? More rain.  

I'm liking it.

So much so that I wish I could stay home today and work in the comfort of my study on my own writing on this cozy, dreary day -- but it's only Wednesday and campus calls. A meeting, office hours, a reception for the deposed dean, and then possibly dinner after with colleagues.

My friend K will be spending the night, and that's always fun. And then my cousin M from Minneapolis comes tomorrow for an overnight stay on her way to visit a sibling and her father in Santa Cruz.  M is the cousin with whom I'll be traveling to Amsterdam for a week in July, so that's probably what we'll be chatting about.

My husband is upstairs at the moment, practicing his guitar (<-- which he has been doing 4-6 hours a day for nearly a year and a half, after never having picked up the instrument before ... he's getting good!).

A piece of happy news: our wildly dysfunctional College has discovered some money and is buying all tenure-line faculty new computers.  My department bought me a new MacBook Pro last fall, which I needed.  This time?  I think I'm going to go for either a MacBook Air or the newest iPad for ultra-light travel purposes.  What unheard-of luxury at my impoverished university!

Ivory Tower | Where I'm at

I see an end in sight.  

Five more weeks until the end of classes, a couple of more weeks after that for grading and wrap-up, and then the academic year is done. Toast. Over. Finis.  As is my administrative appointment for the year.  Can I get an amen on that?

In the meantime, today I wrapped up what I'm hoping will be my final project performed as part of that admin appointment. I put it to bed and handed it off to my boss and the departmental secretary. My part is finished. Here y'all go. Good luck with it. Don't call me, I'll call you.  And so on.

For what remains of the school year, I hope to be able to focus simply on teaching, following up with those university presses that expressed interest in my book and initiating contact with additional publishers, cruising to a finish -- and perhaps renewing an acquaintance with this blog, which I'm still reconceptualizing and redesigning in my head.

One can always hope.

 

Hearth and Home | Resurgam/Happy Easter

IknowIknowIknow ... I've been away from this blog for over a month. Not my usual style at all -- but that gives you an indication of how crazy-busy my work life has been in recent weeks.  It will continue to be that way through the end of May -- at which point the academic year will be over, I step down from my administrative position, and I will be able to devote my time to leading a more balanced (albeit still busy) existence. I can't wait.

Bottom line: I'm fine but counting the weeks until the end of the semester.  

Without going into unnecessary detail, here are some of the highlights of the past several weeks:

• The college in which my department is housed has blown up with the (forced) resignation of the dean;  the merger of five departments within that college is unraveling; the inmates are running amok.  My approach: to tread water until the end of the academic year, at which point it will not be my problem any longer. I have exactly ZERO power, and I'm not going to own the mess which was not of my making.

• That book proposal I was supposed to write and push at a conference in Boston at the end of March?  I wrote it!  I did it!  I received mostly very positive feedback on it from the six or so presses that I approached at said conference, and I'm tweaking it a bit now before I send electronic copies forward.  My goal: to land a book contract by the end of summer.  Keep your fingers crossed.

• The aforementioned conference took me to Boston, and a combination of research and pleasure took me to New York.  I was away nine days, walked approximately 7-8 miles a day, and I'm thinking about ways to go back.  I have a free place to stay in New York City (i.e., the family house where my father grew up), and my JetBlue ticket to the east coast and back was only $304.  A deal.

I have a busy week coming up, between work and house guests, and I'm feeling a wee bit stressed as a result.  But I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize: the end of the academic year, a quick trip to Amsterdam and Dublin in July with my cousin, and summer school, which adds a chunk of change to my bank account and involves not so much teaching as it does coordination of students as they move through their respective internship programs.

In other words, this summer I return to the relatively straightforward life of a teaching, writing, and research professor with some travel and some leisure time thrown in.

Life is good.  Very, very good.

Scales and Scalpels | WW Bread/Cheese/Sausage Pudding

My psycho work place is absorbing my life.  Kind of a clusterfuck right now (sorry). But ... I'm still on program with Weight Watchers, even if I gained 1.2 pounds this week.

Check out this recipe.  If you like carbs, it's nummy. :)

Turkey Sausage – Fontina Bread Pudding 

Serves 4/ 7 PP+.  DELISH!

2 egg whites 1 large egg 1 cup fat free milk 1/2 tsp sage (or poultry seasoning) 1/2 tsp oregano 1/2 tsp nutmeg 1/4 tsp ground pepper pinch salt 4 slices whole wheat grain bread (cut into 1 inch cubes) 3 – 4 (6 ounces) sweet Italian-style turkey sausage, casings removed 1 cup cherry tomatoes 3/4 cup fontina cheese (shredded)   1.Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Coat an 11-by-7-inch glass baking dish or a 2-quart casserole with nonstick cooking spray.

2.Whisk together egg whites, egg, milk, sage, oregano, pepper and nutmeg in a medium bowl. Add bread and let mixture stand, stirring occasionally, until bread absorbs some of the liquid, about 10 minutes.

3.Meanwhile, spray medium nonstick skillet with nonstick spray and set over medium-high heat. Add sausage; cook, breaking apart sausage with a wooden spoon, until sausage is no longer pink, about 6 minutes. Transfer to a plate.Add tomatoes to skillet; cook, stirring often, until tomatoes begins to burst, 5 minutes.

4.Stir sausage and tomatoes into bread mixture; transfer to prepared baking dish. Sprinkle with cheese.Bake until edges of pudding are browned, 30-40 minutes.

I'm freezing portions for lunch throughout the week ...

Ivory Tower | What a week

Wow.  This past week?  It really, really sucked, big-time.

Particularly for our college dean who, after both a negative performance evaluation and University Senate report summarizing an investigation into a merger of five programs and/or departments he helmed and concluding that Senate policies were violated, was asked to step down. Immediately. No waiting until the end of the semester. Effective immediately.

Really?  You're not going to let him finish out the term with dignity? Isn't that kind of treatment reserved for folks with outright ethical or moral violations?  It should be.  I'm not surprised that he was asked to step down, but in the middle of the semester?  I think everyone found that shocking. I find it absolutely Wrong. Not Decent. Petty. Nasty.

So here we are. The former dean is actually a member of our small department and retreats back into it. That should be awkward: in the past he's taken disciplinary action against Frightmare Colleague 1, for one thing, and for another he's alienated others. How's that going to work, now that they're peers again?  Maybe between now and the start of next semester, he'll decide to retire.  But as of Friday?  He's merely retreating.

The Senate report recommends rolling back the School merger to an unspecified point in the timeline and further discussion. Since I'm part of the School administration this year, I probably should not facilitate discussions, as my boss wants me to do. It leaves us all in limbo right now, even more so than we were before.

Thank god I gave notice in November before this mess broke. I knew then it was the right thing to do for myself, and boy, does that go double for me now.

So that's pretty much the scoop. I stress-ate this week, big-time, and have gained back about 3 pounds as a result.  Sigh.  It is what it is. Fortunately, a new WW week begins for me tomorrow.

Argh.

Scales and Scalpels | Stress eating

I've had 24 hours of pretty major eating: almost all WW program-friendly foods (except for that damn ice cream ...) but too much and too many of them. It's all recorded, counted, and tracked, which is about all I can say in my favor. Stress-eating, I do believe! 

So one way I want to intervene in this today is to take a major walk before I head to campus later in the day -- I think it may break this response and ground me in OP-ness before an all-hands meeting within the college (which will, of course, produce more stress, given all the changes and uncertainty going on). 

The news broke, by the way, and it's definitely the biggest upheaval I've known since I've been at the university.  It's all still unfolding, but no doubt I'll write about some of it soon.

The thing is, I enjoy my looser-fitting jeans, my thinner face, and I'd like to keep on seeing those kinds of results in my clothes and in the mirror. Observe, breathe, release is the approach I'd like to bring to this work stress -- *not* observe, eat, repress! 

Setting that intention for the day.

Writer's Journey | My angst recedes

It's a work-at-home day for me, for which I'm grateful. Lots of major news coming down at the university this week, with impact yet to be determined (as far as I'm aware, anyway). Rumors and speculation will be swirling, so I'm glad I'm not on site today. I don't want to engage.

And that's all I have to say about thatfor the present!

I'm settling down for a couple of hours with my book proposal, working on the market research portion of it. So far I'm experiencing only minimal anxiety this morning -- thank god for small miracles. :) 

Inner Buddha | I'm so lucky!

Just saying.

Personally, professionally, in life and love? I've lucked out.

Sometimes it's necessary just to acknowledge and take note.

Scales and Scalpels | WW Cream of Broccoli Soup

Really easy, really tasty, really satisfying.

Super-Easy Cream of Broccoli Soup

Weight Watchers Recipe

Ratings (604)

4PointsPlusValue

Prep time:  8 min

Cook time:  16 min

Serves: 8

The classic favorite lightened up and streamlined with convenience foods. Add freshly grated nutmeg for a little heat.

Ingredients   1 tsp unsalted butter      1 medium uncooked onion(s), chopped      20 oz frozen chopped broccoli, thawed      32 1/4 oz canned condensed cream of potato soup, three 10 3/4 oz cans      4 cup(s) fat-free skim milk      3/4 cup(s) low-fat shredded Cheddar cheese, extra-sharp      1 Tbsp Dijon Mustard      1/8 tsp cayenne pepper, or to taste      1 tsp kosher salt, or to taste (optional)    Instructions Melt butter in a large nonstick saucepan over low heat. Add onions and increase heat to medium-low; cover and cook, stirring occasionally, until tender, about 7 minutes. Stir in broccoli and potato soup; gradually stir in milk until blended. Increase heat to medium-high and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer, covered, stirring occasionally, until broccoli is tender, about 5 minutes. Remove from heat; stir in cheese, mustard and cayenne until cheese melts. Season to taste with salt, if desired. Yields about 1 1/4 cups per serving. Notes This soup can be made 2 days ahead. Add freshly grated nutmeg if desired. Puree all, or part of the soup, for a thicker consistency.

Scales and Scalpels | Weight Watchers update

Went to my WW meeting this morning and am down 1 pound this week, for a total of 12.4 pounds since January 4. Satisfactory progress. 

I realize I'm working the program differently this time: I'm eating now more or less as I intend to eat the rest of my life -- in terms of both what I'm eating and how much -- rather than trying to lose as much as possible in any given week. Partly it's because I don't have a weight goal in mind: I've couched it in terms of fitting back into my favorite pair of jeans two sizes ago. And partly it's about sustainability: I don't want to engage in harsh restrictions that I know I'm not willing to go with over time. 

As long as the trend is downward rather than static or upward, I figure I'm living out my goal RIGHT NOW, and that feels good. The clothes are a little looser, too. :) 

This afternoon I'm making a couple of comfort-food dishes to portion and freeze: two WW recipes, one for cream of broccoli soup, and the other another mac and cheese recipe (to which I'll add some chicken sausage and egg for extra protein and calculate the extra points). I'm beginning to regard these weekly sessions in the kitchen as a relaxing form of self-care, and that feels good, too. 

Hearth and Home | Quiet Saturday

Just so folks know, I did, indeed, work on my book proposal yesterday -- and today as well (a little). I wouldn't say I'm making great progress, but at least I'm sketching in bits, realizing what I need to do, and strategizing.  My next day with the proposal in a sustained way is Tuesday, when I shall be working from home.  I know where I'll begin writing (and not just cutting and pasting) text, and that feels good. 

Dealing with my own psychology around this project is obviously something of a challenge for me, and it's exhausting, which is probably why I needed to chill out a bit today. I watched most of Whitney Houston's funeral on television, vaccuuming and dusting much of the downstairs in our house as I did so. I made a shopping list and went to the store for groceries: tomorrow I'll be making an older WW recipe for mac and cheese that a former student sent me and that looks much better than the one I've made twice so far. I felt a panic attack coming on (really, o messed up head of mine?) ...  which ultimately made me take a small dose of tranquilizer ... which in turn sent me directly to sleep.  Sleep wasn't a bad thing, as I've been experiencing a great deal of insomnia since last summer.  (I have a life-long history of sleeplessness, so it's nothing new; on the other hand, perimenopause is most definitely not helping). So I napped and just took it easy for the rest of the day, and the panic that was circling around me dissipated and hasn't returned.  Throughout the day I spoke to my husband, who's in southern California taking care of a rental property, and now I sit in the living room, tucked up in my easy chair with my heated throw and laptop.

Tomorrow? I'm going to my Weight Watchers meeting. I'm losing, slowly but consistently: since I have no specific weight goal in mind but simply want to fit into an old pair of jeans that are currently two sizes two small for me, I'm content in taking my time to get there.  As long as I lose each week (okay, well, I gained one, but otherwise I've lost every week), I don't feel the need to be on the fast track. In a week I generally exceed not only  my daily points, but my weekly extras as well, and yet I'm still losing.  (I figure this is because I'm hard-wired for weight loss.).  Still, despite the extra points, as of last week I was averaging a loss of 1.9 pounds a week, which is close to the 2.0 max loss that Weight Watchers recommends.  We'll see what tomorrow's results bring.

So? A quiet Saturday, and I have an equally quiet Sunday planned as well -- hopefully without the angst attack I experienced today.

Ivory Tower | Making the grade

My book prospectus file is already open on my desktop, and I've made a few token changes, just to be able to say here that I'm Working on It. After I finish this post, I'm diving in. It will feel good, I know, once I push past the initial overwhelm factor.

Before I do dive in, however, I thought it would bolster me a bit to reflect upon a moment I had yesterday at lunch with my director (boss) and one of our adjunct lecturers, the latter whom is a personal friend. He's being considered for a position of some responsibility, and that's what the lunch was about. But in the course of the meal, the conversation diverged once to me and my future -- and the director turned to me and said, flat-out, what he's only joked about before:  not only does he see me as a likely candidate as his successor, I'm the only person he sees in that role.This, despite the fact that he knows, accepts, and apparently respects (though does not like) my decision to step down from my role as an associate director at the end of this academic year.

Now, I guess what I found heartening about what he said is that, while I have no designs upon his job -- at all -- and while I also realize I'm, in fact, not qualified to hold his position because I do not know or understand all the programs in his School and don't know how to do any number of things that he does (I don't care what he says -- I know I'm correct about this), he still sees me as good leadership material.

I don't want to be a leader right now. I want to be left alone to work on my own teaching, writing, and research and to be a follower during this phase of my career.

But who knows what I'll want once I do make full professor (that's at least four years away and probably more like six, if I stay at this university)? At that point, I can see that I might want to take on new challenges, explore other options -- and given my director's words (and also what he implied others on up the university food chain think of me), maybe I will have other options, in the fullness of time.

These issues are relevant to me not only because I may want to seek out new paths further down the line, but also because some of those paths could represent significantly more income for me. Depending on when in my career I might choose to follow an administrative path and on which one, it could be as much as twice as much as I make now.  And that matters to me not so much because I need that income now, but because I got a late start in my career, and I could really use the rise in base pay to bolster my retirement pension.  Seriously. As it is, even if that happens, I'll be working until I'm pushing up daisies to make up for lost time. It's just that perhaps, as I do so, I'll be able to accumulate a decent pension in the process.

So, as I continue to be grateful that I'm stepping away from leadership roles now, it feels hopeful to realize that, at least so far, I have not burned any bridges. I may have options -- in other areas of the university, perhaps -- to make a difference to both myself and others in the fullness of time, d.v.

But now? It's time for me to make a difference in that book proposal, and to move it forward!however incrementally, today.  

Writer's Journey | Tackling avoidance

Thursday was full of meetings.  Lots of meetings.  Today, however, I will tackle avoidance head-on.

My baby-steps, incremental goal for the day? To open the file that is my book proposal and enter/writer some Shitty First Draft text under the headings of each of its sections. Just to get started, just to have some print there (thank you, Ellen and Anne Lamott).

And that's all. For today.  That is absolutely all. No matter how long it takes.

If necessary, I'll even use lorem ipsum to block out passages. Whatever I have to do not to have a blank page on the screen. (If I restrict myself to that, then really, I can accomplish my goal for today in about 3-5 minutes of cutting and pasting.)

Anything beyond that? For today? Is gravy.  Seriously. You have to start somewhere, even if it's with boilerplate placeholder text.

I can do this. Without throwing up or beginning to rock austistically. I really can.

Writer's Journey | Avoidance

First of all, I'm fine.  Thank you all for your concern and interest -- they're much appreciated! All's well.

Second, it wasn't until today that I had an epiphany about why I haven't been writing here -- and basically, it's really all about how I'm not writing elsewhere.

Which is to say, I've been given a course release and a grant this semester to research and write a book prospectus that I'll be pushing at a conference at the end of March. And I haven't been.  Researching or writing. At all. Yet.

I know.

Chalk it up to intimidation, to fear, to the fact that I feel as if I don't know what I'm doing. Intellectually I realize I'll figure it out as I go along and as I do it -- that it's really only by doing it that I'll learn --  but emotionally I find the prospect paralyzing. So I haven't begun.  Because I think I ought to know what I'm doing now, before I do it. Which, actually, is impossible.

I know.

I've been like this all my life. I used to come home from primary school in tears and with dread in my heart when my teacher would announce to the class what we were going to learn the next day:  I always felt as if I had to know how to do whatever it was already, and I'd cry and feel sick because I didn't.

Anyway, it only occurred to me tonight that what I've actually been doing is avoiding writing altogether, not just writing the book proposal. I think, in the back of my mind, I've felt that if I'm not writing what I'm supposed to be writing, then I don't "get" to be writing here.

Or something like that.

But avoidance only causes my anxiety to escalate: I don't write so that I can't fail at writing, but not writing makes me feel like a failure. 

So I need to write. Here and, um, there -- over in that Word file that's my embryonic prospectus.

And thus I'm back. Today, here -- and on Friday -- there. No matter what. Because the only way out is through, as folks say, and  ... well, it's time. Even if all I do is anchor my ass to the chair in front of the computer on Friday, anchor it I will do until I have spent the day grappling with both my fear and the task at hand.

Because, contrary to what my anxiety tells me, I can.  Yes, I can.

Writer's Journey | NaBloPoMo January

Well, hell: I didn't  manage to blog daily this month after all.  I missed yesterday and I missed my birthday (January 27).  

Note that both misses came after the start of the new semester.  Even though my schedule is theoretically a little more manageable this term,  I'm ... busy.  More to the point, the admin portion of the job really tires me out, so even if I've had a shorter day, it's exhausting and energy-sapping.

Well, here's to a new month.  I'm going to try again to blog daily in February. Hey, at least it's a shorter month -- although it would have to be a leap year this year, wouldn't it?!

Scales and Scalpels | Weight Watchers Chicken Fried Rice

This is the recipe I made tonight, although the WW version I made is updated a little: it's more or less the same as the recipe below but calls for 4 portions at 6 points apiece.  

Whatever.

I had a bite to taste (I'd add more ginger, garlic, and scallions next time) but then immediately divided the dish into four portions and froze them into individual containers to have on hand for easily packable lunches or handy dinners.

I think my Las Vegas and birthday (January 27) celebrations are catching up with me: I lost "only" 0.6 this week.  Still, a loss is a loss, and that adds up to 10.8 pounds gone since January 4. 

Woot!

Chicken Fried Rice

Weight Watchers Recipe

Ratings (534)

4PointsPlusValue

Prep time:  15 min

Cook time:  13 min

Serves: 6

Have this Chinese favorite on your table in minutes. Make it as is or toss in any leftover vegetables you have on hand.

Ingredients   2 spray(s) cooking spray      4 large egg white(s)      1/2 cup(s) uncooked scallion(s), chopped, green and white parts      2 clove(s) (medium) garlic clove(s), minced      12 oz uncooked boneless skinless chicken breast(s), cut into 1/2-inch cubes      1/2 cup(s) uncooked carrot(s), diced      2 cup(s) cooked brown rice, regular or instant, kept hot      1/2 cup(s) frozen green peas, thawed      3 Tbsp low-sodium soy sauce    Instructions Coat a large nonstick skillet with cooking spray and set pan over medium-high heat. Add egg whites and cook, until scrambled, stirring frequently, about 3 to 5 minutes; remove from pan and set aside. Offheat, recoat skillet with cooking spray and place back over medium-high heat. Add scallions and garlic; sauté 2 minutes. Add chicken and carrots; sauté until chicken is golden brown and cooked through, about 5 minutes. Stir in reserved cooked egg whites, cooked brown rice, peas and soy sauce; cook until heated through, stirring once or twice, about 1 minute. Yields about 1 cup per serving.

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook 1/28/12

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window lies a chilly, clear northern California night.

I am thinking about my husband, who is in southern California this week, overseeing the overhaul and bringing up to snuff of his rental house before he arranges for new tenants -- the first new tenants in well over 12 years.  Yeah. Let's just say the house needed some work.

I am thankful for second chances.  (How many times in my life can I say that?  Not enough.)

In the kitchen lies my shopping list for tomorrow:  I'll be making Weight Watchers  chicken fried (brown) rice and batching it out into individual containers for the week.

I am wearing grey yoga pants, a navy blue tank top, a black cowl-necked top with three-quarter length sleeves, grey socks, and black UGG slippers.

I am creating a more centered inner space for myself, more balance, and greater peace. I think it's working - lol.

I am going to go to my Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow, shop for groceries, and then come home to work on admin/class-related matters for the upcoming week.

I am wondering how best to organize my research and writing time this semester -- for which I have received a grant.  This means that I need to dedicate at least 8 hours of a conventional 40-hour work week to my market research, book proposal, and agent querying. Not that I work a conventional 40-hour week (try -- more).  Do I dedicate a single day?  Parts of two days? (I'm thinking 4 hours on Thursday and 4 on Friday might be more productive, given the other obligations that kind of crop up on a daily basis.)  Need to decide on an approach to try for this week, at least. If it doesn't work, I can adjust my schedule accordingly.

I am reading Eckhart Tolle and Paisley Swann Stewart.

I am hoping to show a weekly loss at tomorrow's weigh-in -- but I'm not feeling in it my body.  And that will just have to be okay.  Onward to the next week.

I am looking forward to being paid on Wednesday:  with out-of-pocket medical expenses and the trip to Las Vegas, January was an expensive month (the same will hold true for February in different ways: I need to buy my ticket to/from Boston and New York and put away money for my husband's March birthday present --> a Mac PowerBook laptop.  Note: I can't really afford it, but I can pay for it, and I want to give him something nice).

I am hearing the sounds of CNN playing in my living room.

Around the house lie sleeping kitties.

I am pondering how it feels to have turned 51 yesterday. It's somewhat odd to realize in the wake of Las Vegas and last night that, having lost 100+ pounds about 6 years ago, I'm now more visible and "out there" for men to ogle and come on to, despite my age. I'm happily married, lost the weight during my marriage, and rarely put myself out there for such response -- but Las Vegas is its own weird scene, and I was on a dance floor last night with a couple of female friends, and I found myself the target of some male attention.  Most women get used to this in their 20s ... not me! Odd ... and I'm realizing, of course, that it's not simply the weight loss; it's also a relatively recent comfort with myself, who I am. and a confidence that I didn't feel when I was much younger.  Those things are probably attractive in and of themselves.  How ironic:  more male attention these days than I have any interest it.  

One of my favorite things is rum and diet Coke.

A few plans for the rest of the week: address work issues contained in my email, establish a routine for the current semester, connect with my boss (who's totally gone underground -- what's up with that?), and continue to support my husband at a distance as he slogs through the care of his rental.

Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

COMPULSIVE SKIN PICKING - OCD CENTER OF LOS ANGELES

The primary characteristic of Compulsive Skin Picking (CSP) is the repetitive picking at one's own skin to the extent of causing damage. Usually, but not always, the face is the primary location for skin picking. However CSP, also known as Dermatillomania, Neurotic Excoriation, or Chronic Skin Picking, may involve any part of the body. Individuals with Compulsive Skin Picking may pick at normal skin variations such as freckles and moles, at actual pre-existing scabs, sores or acne blemishes, or at imagined skin defects that nobody else can observe. Individuals with Dermatillomania may also use their fingernails or teeth, as well as tweezers, pins or other mechanical devices. As a result, CSP may cause bleeding, bruises, infections, and/or permanent disfigurement of the skin.

via www.ocdla.com

I totally have this -- and have had since I was an adolescent, when I was also diagnosed with OCD. I think my dermatologist is horrified!

I don't have it so much on my face -- but my arms are scarred with white spots from decades of picking. My mother did it as well.

Neurotic or what?!

Health Matters | Stitches are out!

Yay. Those mother-puppies are out.

Two weeks after having a melanoma tumor removed, the stitches were more irritating than functional. Apparently I took care of them well, though, and the incision is healing nicely.  My wrist is much more comfortable with them gone.  I've put a Tough Pad patch on it to promote further healing and cover up the worst of the gore -- not because I care what it looks like but because it's still a little startling for others to look at.

Apparently there was a lot of discussion among four doctors -- three at U.C. Davis and my own -- regarding the pathology reports from both the initial biopsy on December 28 and the surgery two weeks ago.  They were going back and forth for 20 minutes, I gather, discussing the slides, samples, diagnosis, and depth of disease. Final verdict: the tumor, or melanoma, developed on the surface of an atypical nevus. The latter are generally harmless but look like melanomas to begin with and then I did develop melanoma in it.  

(This would explain why a dermatologist was not alarmed when he looked at the mark three years ago: he recognized it as an atypical mole. In the intervening years, however, it became malignant, and that's what my current dermatologist saw.  And, let me say, what I saw, and why I went in to the second dermatologist in the first place.)

I had four more spots on my right arm burned off this morning. If they don't heal within four weeks, I return to have them biopsied, but they'd most likely be squamous cell carcinomas, which are far less deadly than melanomas.

The dermatologist also did a full body check and circled two moles on my back to keep close track of going forward.

Orders: regular follow-ups every three months for life.  Um, okay. It beats the alternative, you know?

All in all, I'm feeling pretty lucky. It was possible that they might not have gotten all the cancer with the first surgery, which would have been a drag. Or that the tumor, once examined, would suggest that it had even metastisized.  Neither happened.

Nor did I have to have any other spots biopsied -- today, at least.

I'm not wild about the bubbly blisters that now mark the burned-off areas on my arm, but whatever. I've had that done several times now, and it beats the development of those spots into full-grown tumors.

Lucky. That's what I am. Plain damn lucky.

Scales and Scalpels | Diet Swiss Miss and Bailey's

Sometimes, when you're a perimenopausal woman with insomnia (like me), it's winter, and in the middle of the night, this is a combo that hits the spot.

In the Weight Watcher PointsPlus scheme of things, it's 3 points: 1 for the diet Swiss Miss and 2 for the shot of Bailey's.  Worth it for both the taste and comfort factor.

Now, I couldn't find Diet Swiss Miss at my local grocery stores.  ("No sugar added" Swiss Miss? Yes -- but that's 2 points, and I'm cheap. I only wanted to "spend" 1 point, particularly as I was adding a shot of Bailey's. You pick and choose where and how you want to spend your points on WW, and that's how this particular treat and my priorities break down.)

So I ordered a case of it from Amazon.  I now have more Diet Swiss Miss than god -- I'm happy to say. 

Nummy. Absolutely nummy.

Ivory Tower | Exhausted!

First day back on the job. Just saying.

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook 1/23/12

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window there are four feral kitties who have depended upon my husband and me for a few years now for daily care and feeding.

I am thinking about the spring semester, which officially starts tomorrow.

I am thankful for the optimistic results of tests and medical procedures so far, though nervous that they're not 100% reassuring.

In the kitchen is a teeny tiny new frying pan I bought at the grocery store this afternoon that is the perfect size for cooking a single fried egg -- which I did tonight.

I am wearing grey sweatpants and a tan sweatshirt that reads, "I was promised that there would be no math involved!"

I am creating a zone of positive energy and thinking around myself as I take on the new school term.

I am going to go to campus tomorrow to advise students, hold meetings, and generally get ready for the start of classes on Wednesday.

I am wondering what the outcomes of Thursday's medical appointment will be with my surgeon/dermatologist.

I am reading (still) Paisley Swan Stewart's Chanson de L'Ange (Book One): Bleeding Rose.

I am hoping my husband has a safe, uneventful drive home from southern California tomorrow, where he's been dealing with a rental property.

I am looking forward to getting my wrist stitches out on Thursday (they hurt and they itch).

I am hearing the sound of our water heater burbling on and off.

Around the house are four very tame, sweet kitties who miss their daddy.

I am pondering how best to have a sane and balanced semester within myself, regardless of external nuttiness on the job.

One of my favorite things just now is Diet Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate with a dab of Bailey's Irish Creme in it. Nice when I have insomnia and it's chilly outside.

A few plans for the rest of the week: deal with reentry to campus life; take some boots and shoes to the shoemaker for reheeling; price flights to Boston and trains to New York for March's conference and trip generally; start researching book proposal on Friday.

 Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

 

Scales and Scalpels | Weight Watchers (Week 4)

I slept in this morning, went to my WW meeting, and then shopped for groceries.  The afternoon was spent mostly in revising a course syllabus.  But it was the morning that set up my good mood for the day.

To my happy surprise, despite the Las Vegas trip, its lovely meals and a fair amount of alcohol during that two-day period, I lost 1.8 pounds this week.  That makes a total of 10.2 pounds since January 4. That feels good.

I figured my choices going into the week were as follows:

1. I could go to Las Vegas, eat with an eye toward accepting a gain, and enjoy myself.
2. I could go to Las Vegas, eat with an eye toward maintaining my current weight, and enjoy myself.
3. I could go to Las Vegas, eat with an eye toward losing weight, and enjoy myself.

I opted for #3 as my goal -- but I wasn't sure that I had achieved it. I had made careful, conscious food and drink choices while I was there, but I didn't deprive myself: as I said, my choices included alcohol, some nice meals, and one truly lovely dinner (a fantastic wine, a salad of mixed greens, and a goat cheese-filled tortelloni).   

As I weighed in this morning, I was philosophical: I'd be really happy with a 0.2 loss or greater, but I'd feel lucky if I had maintained. And if I had gained, well, that would be okay, too: it would just be one weigh-in.

But ... 1.8 pounds down.  Yay. I'm that much closer to fitting into my favorite pair of jeans.

It feels really good to be prioritizing my own health and needs as I prep for the new semester next week. I simply refuse to have as crazy a term this time around as I did last.

Ivory Tower | New semester approaches

It was bound to happen sooner or later:  winter break is almost over, and a new semester begins on Tuesday.

Because I have a two-course release for my administrative work this year and a third course release this semester via a grant to write a book proposal and go to a conference in Boston in March, I have only one class to prepare for the spring.  (A full teaching load at my university is four courses -- demented, I know.)

That's the good news. As is the fact that I've taught this course for 10 years, change things up a bit every now and then, but am familiar enough with the class that prep is not difficult.  And the fact that, while classes do start this upcoming week, I don't actually meet my class for the first time until a week from tomorrow.

The bad news is that I've done zero prep for the course yet. Mostly it consists of updating the syllabus, making some decisions about any new films to include, and then putting up the relevant course materials online.  Because the university's online learning management system is clunky at the back end, this is always more time-consuming than it ought to be.

So I'll rev the syllabus today and begin the process of updating materials online. I'd like to have everything ready to go by Wednesday, when classes officially start at the university, even though I don't meet my class for the first time until the following Monday. I'll just feel more organized.

Because I don't have a lot of teaching duties this semester, I'm somewhat uncertain about how to arrange my weekly schedule -- office hours and so forth.  I'm kind of thinking of a mostly Monday-through-Wednesday stint on campus with office hours scheduled for both classes and administrative duties, and Thursdays and Fridays for my own work at home (an always-fluctuating meeting schedule permitting).

Time to go stare at a calendar and see if that will work.

All Things Phantom Show | Feeding Your Phantom of the Opera Obsession

Welcome!

All Things Phantom's first broadcast was in July of 2009. We went on the air to give Phantom fans a platform to strut their stuff as authors, artists, collectors, reviewers, and just about everything imaginable. We've interviewed some great guests from the Phantom Vegas cast and Toronto cast.

We took a hiatus and turned off the microphone after 30 shows in January of 2010. Now, we're coming back! Hold onto your masks as we treat you to some great shows coming down the line! If you want to stay informed of upcoming show times and guests, subscribe to updates! Visit our Show Calendar tab above for information on upcoming episodes.

via allthingsphantom.com

Trippy!

Oh hell. Plotting how to return to The Venetian and PHANTOM in the summer. Obsession is expensive.

Travel Bug | Las Vegas wrap-up

Let's just say that the two-day trip to Las Vegas to see its version of Phantom of the Opera was a total pleasure from beginning to end. I'm so very glad I went.

First, I went with K, my friend and colleague, and having her company made it much more fun than it would have been if I'd gone alone. I would have enjoyed myself and I don't mind traveling alone, obviously, but it was really a blast to have her to share the experience with.

Second, our hotel room was beautiful. The thing about The Venetian is, all its rooms are suites. But not all its suites are alike, and because they had the capacity mid-week and were being nice, they upgraded us free to a suite at the top of the hotel with an enormous view, huge living room, gigantic bathroom and dressing area, and two queen-sized comfy beds with duvets and fabulous pillows.  Yes, thank you! Had I been alone, they probably wouldn't have bothered.

Third, The Venetian is a beautiful resort with genuinely nice employees, regardless of their particular job. I've written elsewhere about how I love real-world Venice, I've published on Second Life Venice, and I'd wanted to check out Las Vegas Venice for some time. It's enormous (it claims it's the largest resort in the world), and parts of it are genuinely beautiful. Over 30 restaurants -- K took us to chef Mario Batali's B & B Ristorante, which was fabulous.

Fourth, though not necessarily in this order, was Phantom itself, the whole reason for the trip in the first place. Despite it being a condensed version of the longer show I've seen so many times before, I thought it was really well done, with some of the special effects surpassing the original production. Aspects of this show will find their way into the article I'm writing this calendar year.

I don't know if there was something in the water, if it was the 150,000 gun/sport/law-enforcement convention that was in town at the same time, or the loss of 100+ pounds of weight, but I found a whole lot more testosterone-inflected attention coming my way during this visit than I had on my two or three other trips to Las Vegas.  Men grabbing my butt, telling me I was "hot," and/or just looking a lot ... and only some of them were drunk.  WTF?  It cracked me up, actually: I think earlier in my life it would have annoyed or offended me or freaked me out or something, but now I just shook my head, didn't take it personally one way or another, and thought that Las Vegas was living up to its cliches.

It was basically two days of total relaxation and fun -- something I haven't had in that way in a very long time. Coming after the initial/still ongoing melanoma scare and before the start of spring semester, it was also perfectly timed.  I'm so grateful I've had those two days. 

Travel Bug | Las Vegas bottom line

Home again, after a very short time away -- but I had such a fabulous time. More tomorrow about why, I promise. :D

Media Matters | Dark Wednesday

Travel Bug | Las Vegas, nous sommes ici!

Oops, I guess that would be correct if we were staying at the Paris hotel down the street -- but we're not. Pity I don't know Italian.

The flight was short and straight-forward, ditto for the shuttle to the hotel, and everything since has been easy, fun, a hoot, and thoroughly enjoyable. Tracking my food, barely, walking a fair amount, shopping, drinking (tracking that, too), and having a great time with my friend K.

Oh, and I'm learning to play Blackjack. I'm down, not up. But not past my allotted amount for gambling/entertainment.

More of the same tomorrow, including ... Phantom, the soundtrack of which plays incessantly in the hotel elevators (which I, of course, love).

Woot!

Travel Bug | Las Vegas-bound

Packing tonight for a quick two-day trip to Las Vegas with my friend and colleague K to see Phantom, the Las Vegas version of Phantom of the Opera. 

We're both taking our respective laptops, so I'll be blogging. Stay tuned!

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook 1/15/12

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window there's a very determined orange kitty signaling his desire to come in from the sun porch.

I am thinking about the power of directed intention.

I am thankful for the optimistic first results of my biopsy and tumor removal and hopeful that the next pathology report will be clear.

In the kitchen are a few new and old cookbooks I've set aside to make my weekly dishes to eat and freeze, a digital kitchen scale, and some Weight Watchers oatmeal (3 points) and mint chocolate snack bars (2 points) -- the food was on sale at today's meeting and I thought I'd try it.

I am wearing a blue tank top, a black v-necked cardigan, grey yoga pants, Christmas socks, and my black UGG slippers.

I am creating a blogging space I  like.

I am going to enjoy a quiet remainder of the afternoon and evening.

I am wondering when I should start working on class materials for spring semester, which begins on January 24. (I'm teaching only one course that I've taught many times, but there are always aspects of it that need to change.)  Answer? Not today.

I am reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now.

I am hoping (and planning on!) continued success on Weight Watchers for the foreseeable future (down 8.6 pounds since January 4).

I am looking forward to going to Las Vegas with my friend K this week (Tuesday through Thursday) for a quick stay at The Venetian in order to see Phantom - Las Vegas (which closes in September).  Woot!

I am hearing my husband practicing his guitar.

Around the house things are slightly messy.  They're going to stay that way today.

I am pondering how to live ever more firmly in the present moment.

One of my favorite things is a warm nose (and the tip of mine is chilly just now: it's time to crank up the heat).

A few plans for the rest of the week: get my nails done, do laundry, and pack for Las Vegas trip.  I'm not thinking past our departure!

Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

Scales and Scalpels | Culinary adventures

Here's what I'm making today for my once-a-week cooking session in order to have something that I can batch out and store in individually portioned containers throughout the week. It comes straight from the Weight Watchers files.

Though the recipe doesn't call for it, I browned the beef, onions, garlic, and oregano before tossing them into the slow cooker.

As before, I'll let you know how the recipe turns out.

Italian Beef and Lentil Slow-Cooker Stew

Weight Watchers Recipe

Ratings (264)

5PointsPlusValue

Prep time:  25 min

Cook time:  420 min

Serves: 6

This stew is a wonderful winter-warmer. You can also substitute 2 cups of fresh green beans, cut into 2-inch lengths, for the zucchini.

Ingredients   1 small uncooked onion(s), chopped      1 clove(s) (medium) garlic clove(s), minced      1 large uncooked zucchini, diced      16 oz uncooked lean beef round, cut into 1-inch chunks, or 1 pound      1/2 tsp dried oregano, crushed      14 1/2 oz canned diced tomatoes, undrained      1 Tbsp canned tomato paste      3/4 cup(s) dry lentils      4 cup(s) canned beef broth      1 tsp table salt      1/4 tsp black pepper      1/4 cup(s) basil, fresh, slivered    Instructions Place all ingredients, except basil, in a 5-quart or larger slow cooker; stir well. Cook on LOW setting for 6 to 7 hours. Remove cover; stir in basil. Cover and cook on LOW setting for 5 minutes more. Yields about 1 1/2 cups per serving.

Update:  Good taste, though I'd say the consistency of the dish is much more that of a soup than a stew.  I'll chop the meat more finely than recommended and double the recommended spices next time. It works as is, though -- as evidenced by my husband having just finished two bowls of the stuff.

Health Matters | Rest and recovery

I guess I'm not very good at the whole rest-and-recovery aspect to health issues.

One of the instructions for the wound care of my wrist is to take it easy and not lift or carry anything over 10 pounds.  

Well, I violated that right off the bat today by going shopping and carrying bags of groceries (just to the car --  my husband took them from the car into the house).  

Now, I wasn't trying to break the rules. I simply didn't think of those things as Activity and Lifting Heavy Things.  I honestly didn't. What's the big deal about going to the local grocery store, after all?

It's similar to when I was recovering from my duodenal switch surgery.  About six days after having my entire digestive tract rearranged, two thirds of my stomach removed, my gall bladder taken out, and my appendix deep-sixed, I decorated our Christmas tree.  I kept sitting down and getting up, unwrapping boxed ornaments and then standing to place the on the tree.

I gave myself an abdominal hernia that way -- despite the binder I was wearing.  I was stunned.

They told me to move around to avoid blood clots. I was in my nightgown. I was sitting in my recliner a lot of the time.  What about that was Not Resting?

All of which is by way of saying that clearly I don't have good instincts about these matters.

However, after today's shopping trip, I did have the eventual good sense to cancel coffee plans with a friend and take a nap for three hours instead.  Over-the-counter meds  have totally addressed any pain issues, so that's good, and I am Making the Conscious Decision Now to take it easy tomorrow as well.  

In theory I'm seeing a friend and possibly The Iron Lady into the bargain. No heavy lifting involved.

Note: Upon request, I shared a photo of my unbandaged stitched wrist with my medical student niece as well as a friend from college. The latter pronounced it "disgusting ... but better than cancer." Humph. Suppose I were feeling sensitive (don't worry ... I'm not!)? I had to call her and give her grief.  

Health Matters | Sliced, diced, and stitched

Well, there you have it: the results of this morning's "surgery," or excision, of the (very small) melanoma on my wrist.  

Believe me, right now you don't want to see the work under the bandage! The doctor basically removed an oval piece of skin stretching from one side of my wrist to the other ("this is probably as much as I would be able to take without doing a skin graft: it's a large wound so it will take some stitching together to close it").

And boy, did it ever.  I didn't ask how many stitches, though when I examined it before they bandaged me up, it looked like about 10-15 to me, maybe more.

At either end, the skin and stitches looked pretty ropey, but the doctor assured me that it would heal well over time -- and really, I don't care.  (Who cares about a scar on the wrist? Not I.)

So now I heal, the stitches will be removed in two weeks, and the excised portion will be sent to pathology. There's a very good chance (90-95%) that the doctor was able to remove the tumor and the requisite amount of clear margin of skin around the tumor.

If not?  I cross that bridge if I come to it.

As I was lying there, breathing normally and letting the doctor work on me, he paused for a moment and told me, "You seem very calm.  You're so zen." I kid you not -- those were his words.  I chuckled, confessed that I had taken a calm-down pill beforehand, but then also said, "I've been working on zen for some time now.  Look, I've done all I can do. Now, it's your turn and I trust you. What more can I do?"

I stayed present, I stayed in the now, and I just let this experience happen.

To my surprise, the full body scan (again, just a visual inspection of every inch of me, bare-ass nekkid) did not take place today. Doctor: "When you come in to get your stitches removed, that's when we'll do it. We really needed to get this melanoma removed today."  Okey-dokey. 

It's a good six hours later and the site of the excision is still numb, and I'm feeling kind of trashed ... no pain yet, but just a general sense of exhaustion that comes with having held in a lot of tension, I think. 

I do believe my plans for the rest of the day will be minimal as a result. I'm glad this part is behind me, and I sincerely hope that this is the end of this tale.  Whatever happens, however, the bracelet I ordered arrived today, as if on cue:  you know, the one I mentioned before that reminds me to "live in the moment."

A timely reminder. May it be so.

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook 1/11/12

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window there lies a cold, crisp night -- and four feral kitties who make their home in our back yard. I hope they've tucked themselves up warmly together in one of our sheds or under the sun porch.

I am thinking about how lucky I am and how many second chances life has granted me (probably more than I even have the sense or ability to be aware of).

I am thankful for my husband, our house, our kitties, our family, our love for each other.

In the kitchen is the smell of baked ziti with turkey sausage, a Weight Watchers recipe which I made the other night and portioned out into invididual containers to go in the fridge and freezer. My husband is at his weekly guitar lessons tonight, so I simply nuked one of the portions for my own dinner and was good to go!

I am wearing my new L.L. Bean flannel nightgown (my former flannel nightgown from Mervyn's having ripped in one too many a strategic location), pictured here. It's beautifully made and generously sized.

I am creating boards on Pinterest and don't really know what I'm doing -- but it's fun over time and I'm enjoying it. For those who are visually inclined (I'm not one of them), it can be a great source of creativity. There are some really lovely pages there.

I am going to have a malignant melanoma tumor surgically removed from my wrist tomorrow. It turns out many (most?) folks don't know what that means, even when they think they do (like my sister, for example). The ramifications are serious. Sobering. We'll hope it hasn't spread, because that would be Very Bad.

I am wondering what else 2012 holds in store for me.

I am reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now (timely for me).

I am hoping to lead a more balanced, healthy life during spring semester 2012. (This will take commitment and determination on my part.)

I am looking forward to going to Las Vegas with my friend and colleague K next week to see Phantom Las Vegas!

I am hearing the sound of our heater going on and off.

Around the house there is peace and quiet.

I am pondering how to lead my most meaningful life.

One of my favorite things is having warm feet.

A few plans for the rest of the week: getting through tomorrow's surgery on my wrist, having coffee with a friend on Friday, seeing another friend on Saturday, and figuring out more of the mysteries of my digital highlighter. 

Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

Ivory Tower | Can a buddha live within the Ivory Tower?

SGI Nichiren Buddhism teaches that we all have the buddha within us. My question is, how to access my buddha-hood while working a crazy-wild job?

Well, that's the question for everyone, really: how do we live up to and within our best selves despite our outer circumstances and the hustle, bustle, and challenges of everyday life?

Given my recent mind-bending experience with a diagnosis of melanoma (thankfully still "in situ," if preliminary tests are to be trusted) and my sudden, visceral awareness of the importance of living in the present, a kind reader suggested that I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. It arrived yesterday, and I've read a few of its introductory chapters. It's not a book to be rushed through. I don't know if I'll like it, but one thing's certain: it's timely reading for me at the moment.

Tomorrow my friend K will take me to the dermatologist's office where 1) I will receive a full body scan to search for additional signs of skin cancer, melanoma as well as basal and squamous cell (there are numerous problematic spots already identified), and 2) the one melanoma that has been identified will be surgically removed. I told K that there was no need for her to take me and that I'd be fine, but she seems to want to go, and you know what? Why not take a dear friend up on her offer? I can do it on my own, but I don't have to: my husband, K, and my friend D all offered to go, and K's the lucky winner (ahem).

All of this emphasis on health and the present is helping me staying mindful of my renewed efforts to work the Weight Watchers program right now. An initial encouraging loss of 4.6 pounds was great, but knowing that I can still work the program successfully following a dance with chocolate helps even more.

It's empowering to work toward being the best that you can be.  Not THE BEST, period, if there even is such a thing -- there's always going to be somebody better according to whatever external yardstick you choose -- but the best that you yourself are capable of achieving and sustaining over time. 

Scales and Scalpels | Chocolate attack

Perhaps triggered by last night's dinner which was delicious but did not stay down due to my own anatomical pecularities, I fell prey to a chocolate attack in the wee hours.

It wasn't exactly a binge, in the sense that I ate deliberately, mindfully, and enjoyed every bite. 

I also tracked every morsel, and I sure shot the hell out of my daily points!  I'm thinking a protein shake, salads augmented with some very lean proten, and lots of fruit today are going to have to be the path I take to come out even by the end of the day.

That's okay. I can do that. It'll be a nice detox plan for the day, and this holistic approach allows me to stay totally on the Weight Watchers system.

My only concern at this point is that I'm going to have to dedicate 8 points a day going forward to protein shakes, as they're the only way I can meet my duodenal switch protein demands and still stay within my WW points range. I require a minimum of twice the amount of protien of an average American woman, and the WW plan just doesn't take that into account.

With ready-to-drink shakes, however, I can do well.

Scales and Scalpels | Getting acquainted with my inner cook

Anyone who knows me know that, fond though I am of food, I am no cook.  I make a few dishes very well, and beyond that?  Nada.  I don't enjoy it, and I'm not very good at it.  (The two no doubt have something to do with each other.)

However, as I rededicate myself to health and to some weight loss, I've decided I need to prepare at least a couple of dishes on the weekend  in order to have reasonably weight loss-friendly options in the house that are also easy to portion out, grab, and go throughout the week.

I also thought it would be a good activity, entirely unrelated to all-consuming work,  that I could get involved with and perhaps develop some skills at.  Cooking generally, I mean.

So, without further ado, here's tonight's offering from the Weight Watchers website. 

Baked Ziti with Turkey Sausage

Weight Watchers Recipe

Ratings (1515)

8PointsPlusValue

Prep time:  15 min

Cook time:  35 min

Serves: 8

Here's a comfort-food classic, a dish that's sure to get everyone to the table the minute it comes out of the oven.

Ingredients   3/4 pound(s) uncooked turkey sausage(s), spicy-variety, casings removed      1 medium uncooked onion(s), chopped      1 medium green pepper(s), chopped      28 oz canned diced tomatoes      10 oz frozen green peas, thawed      2 Tbsp canned tomato paste      1 tsp dried oregano      1 tsp dried basil      1/2 tsp dried thyme      1/2 tsp fennel seed      1/2 tsp table salt, or to taste      1/2 tsp black pepper, freshly ground      12 oz uncooked whole-wheat pasta, ziti, cooked according to package directions      6 oz shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese    Instructions Position the rack in the center of the oven and preheat the oven to 350°F. Crumble the sausage meat into a large saucepan and brown over medium heat, stirring often, about 4 minutes. Drain off any fat, then add the onion and bell pepper. Cook, stirring often, until softened, about 3 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes, peas, tomato paste, oregano, basil, thyme, fennel seeds, salt and pepper. Bring to a simmer, then reduce the heat and cook uncovered 5 minutes, stirring often. Stir in the cooked pasta and half the cheese. Spread evenly into a 9- X 13-inch baking pan. Top evenly with the remaining cheese. Bake until the cheese has melted and the casserole is bubbling, about 20 minutes. Let stand 10 minutes at room temperature before slicing into 8 pieces. Yields 1 piece per serving.

Once it's made and eaten, I'll let you know how it turned out and what I thought of it.

Update: Let's put it this way: my husband views Weight Watchers recipes with some suspicion, figuring they won't taste good.  Tonight? He had two helpings of this dish.

I added a lot of garlic, some crushed red pepper flakes, somes herbes de Provence, and a lot more pepper than the recipe called for.  I'm glad I did: it was quite tasty, as a result. The recipe makes generous portions, so I was easily able to make up individual portions, put some in the fridge and some in the freezer for later.

Note to self: whole-wheat pasta is hard on my weight-loss surgery stomach. I need to cook it a lot longer than I would white flour pasta because it sat there like a lump in my tomach before coming right back up again. Just saying.  That's a hazard of my retooled anatomy, not a fault of the recipe. I promise.

Inner Buddha | How to Live (from ThinkSimpleNow.com)

This is a great site, and I quoted from one of its recent entries at some length because it was so terrific and expressed exactly what I've been thinking, feeling, and processing in recent weeks and months.

Click on the link at the end and check out the site yourself. It's worth it.

How to Live? The 3 Hows of Intentional Living

I’m becoming more and more aware, and accepting, that life is uncertain.

The same elements that make it exciting and beautiful can also bring us on an anxious pursuit for answers. Here are three mindset tools for how to live when we are in a time of transition, fresh with questions, faced with unknowns.

1. Choose Consciously

Living life as a reflex is the grass-root of stress. Reactionary living is working backwards and leads to energy depletion. Our stressors begin to strip away our soul, and we suffocate on an empty tank of unfulfilled needs.

We can reverse this way of living backwards by choosing to consciously create our lives. We can live by setting our intentions.

Contemplate this: “What do I want to intentionally represent?” For example, is it love, humility, compassion, creativity, intelligence?

Or, ask yourself this, “How can I honestly show up for myself and then for others?”

Or on a smaller scale, “When I have lunch with a good friend or a co-worker today, what will I to stand for?”

We can choose consciously by affirming we are love, we are humble, we are compassionate, we are creative, and so on.

And when moments of distress do find their way into our space, it is noticeably apparent. There is a heightened awareness towards unconscious feelings.

Take this moment to ponder how your intentions—your mindset, your strategy—will create a conscious, fulfilling life. Choose wisely, and then carry them, center them, deeply within.

Our intentions guide everything. Know this.

2. Adopt a Zen Mind

In zazen—the Zen practice of meditation—our mind is calm and simple. Though, in ordinary life, outside of zazen, this isn’t usually the case.

Daily, we experience a flurry of busy and complicated thoughts—an influx of stimulating & annoying status updates, media noise, email-flood-gate-management, what to have for the next meal, the weekend errand list, a project deadline, keeping in touch with friends, taking care of a parent, going home to a sick child. Hardly Zen.

With many responsibilities that are constantly calling us, we may not easily be able to focus on what we are doing at this very moment.

According to Zen teachings, our cluttered thoughts are a result of thinking with a relative mind. The relative mind is exactly as it reads—the mind which sets itself in relation to other things. And this type of thinking leads to mental clutter.

For example, let’s explore traffic with a relative mind.

Instead of sitting in rush hour with a clear mind, we are impatient—even angry—as we’re running late for the 8am meeting. As we’re driving our shoulders stiffen, our grip on the steering wheel tightens. Our entire bodies react as we become tense. We are zooming into the future by envisioning the wrath of our boss as we stumble in late… guided by our reflection into the past—last week when we were also late.

Not to mention, we’re irritated with the car in front of us for leaving a larger gap than needed … driving slower than the 10 mph flow. Then, we look over to the next lane and find a woman putting on make-up, treating the driver’s seat as a vanity instead of as a vehicle.

We start to form judgment. Our temper has a growing aggression.

The mind is cluttered.

Compulsive thinking forms residual debris that further creates fuel for more compulsive thinking—a result of reaching into the past or zooming into the future. There is another way.

If we adopt a Zen Mind, if we embrace something quite simple with a clear mind, we have no shadows, no debris, no relative mind. Our present moment just is.

There is clarity and the moment is straightforward.

Zen teachings state to do one event, one conversation, one focus with our whole body and mind; to be concentrated. Be whole in each moment. In our conversations, when we are preparing a meal, when we arelistening.

So, back to the example of traffic: when we are stuck, be there with your whole body and mind. Just sit there. Take three slow and deep breaths: inhale & exhale.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist Monk, would also remedy irritation by recommending adding a half smile with this breathing exercise. Certainly, though conceptually simplistic, to master frustrations with present moment awareness and breathing is no small feat … and one that takes practice in a very demanding, modern world.

But it can be done. If this philosophy is intriguing to you and you’d like to explore further, I highly recommend “Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind”, a book that changed my life.

3. Show Up

You. This moment. Both are perfect.

This final “how to live” is a parallel to the second: to show-up, wholly, wherever you go. Understand that your attention is the most precious resource you have.

Today, we can recognize, we can allow what we are doing right now to be perfect, without judgment, without analyzing. We can allow ourselves to be fully here. And we can provide this most amazing gift—our attention—to our current action, to each of our conversations, to those we meet throughout the day

 

via thinksimplenow.com

Inner Buddha | Living gratefully in the moment

Here's the deal: in case you couldn't tell from my recent posts, my brain has been seriously torqued by the experience of waiting for the results of a skin biopsy and the resulting diagnosis of melanoma in situ (thank god it's "in situ"). It's brought me to earth with a thump and really cemented some core truths that, in the busyness of everyday life, I often lose track of.

The thing is, I knew going into the appointment with a new dermatologist that what I had on my wrist was a melanoma. I'm a textbook example of someone who should be on the lookout for such things, and throughout my life, ever since I was a small child, doctors have paid particular attention to my skin, my moles, any changes they saw. I'd been raised with a lot of awareness of melanoma, and when I saw the changing flat mark on my skin, I just knew.

Three years earlier I'd even had a dermatologist look at the mark, and he flatly told me there was no reason to worry about it.  Wrong. I knew he was wrong, and I never went back to him. I kept my eye on it, and I'm glad I did.

But what I didn't do and what I should have done, as the mark continued to change, is to find another dermatologist immediately and get it checked.  Instead? Sometime within the last year I picked at it.  The mark scared me so much that I simply picked and picked at it until I'd more or less excised it myself.  Gross, eh?  I know. It scared me so much I wanted it gone. If thine right eye offend thee, pluck it out.  I plucked out that mark.

But then?  Through the pale scar that was left in its place, I began to see pigment again.  And I know that regular, healthy marks on one's skin do not grow back.  Malanoma does.

So finally, when an additional, different-looking mark on my other arm popped up suddenly as last semester came to an end (it has yet to be biopsied: it looks like either basal or squamous cell cancer), I swallowed my fear, researched a new dermatologist online, and made an appointment. I pointed to the two marks that made fear leap into my  mouth, and he nodded. I was right to be concerned.

I was both relieved and petrified. Relieved because this was a doctor who was taking me and my concerns seriously. Petrified because I'd let a lot of time go by without addressing the first mark.  Too much time? Long enough, I feared, for the mark I was scared of most to have spread.  Melanoma in situ is 100% curable. Once it's spread?  The odds really suck. A lot.  My aunt died of melanoma, and it was a slow, painful death. Quite possibly I had fucked myself over.

Even now, with the diagnosis in, I'm concerned. Perhaps my picking at the original mark will have compromised the accuracy of the biopsy, the extent to which it was able to guage depth.  That's a conversation I'll have to have with the doctor this coming Thursday when I have surgery to remove it, and he may or may not decide that it'd be a good idea to do further testing.  

The moral of this part of the story is, if you see a problem, address it sooner rather than later.

The second part of the story has to do with my take-away from this experience so far, which has felt profound.  As fear gripped my heart after the biopsy and the waiting began, I had to talk myself through the importance of taking things moment by moment.  All the worry in the world was not going to change the outcome, positively or negatively; it would only rob me of the present, which is the only thing I could be certain of having. Regrets about past choices (to pick at my skin, to avoid finding another dermatologist sooner) would alter nothing.  Fear about an unknown future would not improve whatever it turned out to be.  All I had was now.

As someone who has lived much of her life retrospectively as well as in anticipation of things to come, this realization -- a commonplace one, I realize -- was a real zen challenge for me.  Time and again throughout the past week and a half as I went through a litany of would-have-could-have-should have thoughts or started to shiver at what-might-bes,  I would gently but firmly bring my thoughts back to the present, to the now.  This is what you have now. Be grateful for the now.

And so that's one of my take-aways from this past week and a half. Of course I'm grateful for what turns out to be, at least for now, melanoma that has not spread. I mean, I'd rather it not be melanoma at all, but aside from that, this is a best-case scenario.  We'll see what happens with the second mark; again, it looks like one of the less harmful kind of skin cancers that aren't great but that don't strike terror into one's heart.

But I was also practicing gratitude in the event that a less optimistic diagnosis came back because, frankly, given the amount of time that had gone by since my first noticing the mark and now, I not only suspected melanoma, I figured it would have spread.  And I thought, "Okay, how can I connect with a sense of gratitude if that's the case?"

So I began keeping a mental list: I was grateful for the online resources and support groups for melanoma I was able to discover and bookmark for future reference. I was grateful for my own research skills. I was grateful for the personality traits that I have that mean that, once I've decided to seek out information and empower myself, I can and do. I was grateful for the time during which I felt well. I was grateful for now.

Which is why, after some thought, I ordered myself a Cynthia H. bracelet yesterday with the message LIVE IN THE MOMENT inscribed on it.  I've worn one for several years now that's old and weathered that says MAKE A DIFFERENCE, and I do feel as if I've internalized that message and managed to work it into my daily life (though of course I can always do better).  But now it's time to take on another challenge, one that may be more difficult for me, prone as I am to regret and worry.

My desire to practice this challenge has underscored my decision to return to Weight Watchers, to make the most of what options and choices I have power over now, and to maximize the health I do have as best I can (given my essentially slothful nature, that is!). I had a very effective form of weight loss surgery six years ago, and it's time to take better care of that gift.  It's time to lose the excess weight that I've let creep on in the past couple of years.

It's been a mind-bending past week and a half, but I'm determined to see the good in it.  One benefit? My return to Weight Watchers last week resulted in a 4.6 pound loss this week.  Water weight and all that, but I'll take it as a good sign.   

The past is gone. The future isn't guaranteed.  Live gratefully in the moment.

Health Matters | Biopsy results considered

If you have to have melanoma, a deadly form of skin cancer if not caught early, then apparently I have the best outcome:  melanoma in situ, in which the diseased cancer cells have not reached deeply enough into my blood or lymphatic system for the disease itself to metastasize to organs other than my skin.  

On Thursday of next week I will have an outpatient procedure done to remove a 2-3 inch oval piece of the skin on my wrist -- and that will apparently be that. No further tests scheduled for now, but regular skin checks for the rest of my life.

That said, I will be discussing my concerns with my dermatologist:  I had already been picking at this mark on my arm out of anxiety (I know, I know, gross habit, but I'm being honest here) and may have obscured the depths of the lesion through my actions.  To my layman's mind, this means I want to know if he should cut deeper and wider margins to make sure they clear everything, and if the precaution of a sentinel node biopsy might be in order to make sure that nothing has reached the lymphatic system.  I'd rather be safe than sorry and have a medical test confirm that fact that the melanoma has not spread.  We'll see what he says.

With those caveats, I am nevertheless feeling profoundly grateful for the outcome of my biopsy, for my release from that horrible limbo state of Not Knowing (aka The Land Where Terror Resides), and for yet another one of the miraculous little second chances that life has granted to me to lead as healthy a life as possible.

I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting on Wednesdsay, began my program on Thursday, and despite pretty severe stress on Friday, I stayed on target with my points, tracked everything I ate and drank, and thought, "I am going to maximize my health, no matter what it takes!"  I did not try to stuff back or block out my stress with food or drink; I stayed conscious, mindful, tracked everything, remained with program limits -- and I feel really proud of myself for that.

Take care of your health. Without it, life is so much more painful and difficult to navigate.  And today I'm feeling particularly blessed that I have the means -- read: the medical coverage -- that so many people don't that allowed me to find a dermatologist I trusted and address this issue now.

I think I owe a special thank you to the universe today.

Health Matters | Biopsy results

My biopsy results are in:  melanoma in situ.  So, this basically means, malignant skin cancer that has not spread beyond the initial site. Treatment: outpatient surgery (removal of the lesion and a certain amount of clear tissue margins). Result:  a 2-3 inch scar on my wrist.

I'd prefer it weren't melanoma, the deadliest form of skin cancer, but I'm grateful that it's been caught at its earliest stages, and will require no further treatment beyond surgery, other than constant checking of my skin.

I'll write more about this in the future, but a number of you have been kind enough to contact me and express your good wishes, and I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers! They seem to have paid off.

And for the record? Yes, I'm relieved. Knowing is so much better than not knowing. Get yourselves checked, people!