It's about time ... Century Club!

Finally ... down 100+ pounds at last, as of this morning -- and that even brought me into a new decade of pounds that I know I haven't seen since I was 13 years old.

I've got to say that my reaction to each milestone I reach along the way on this journey is almost always less dramatic than I think it's going to be in advance -- at least as far as my reaction to the actual numbers goes. Mind you, it's not less satisfying, just less dramatic. I often read of people crying for joy when they reach a certain weight along the way, but I think the only tears I've shed were earlier when my Type II diabetes was clearly reversing itself.

I think two things are probably going on that explain this.

The first is probably a sign of my own groundedness: I really did seek out WLS for my health, not for my looks or because I so hated being fat (I didn't like being fat at all -- let me be clear about that -- but once I moved beyond high school I never considered myself less than because of my weight). Thus, while it's gratifying and a kick to watch my weight go down, it doesn't change my self-concept and I don't feel any different inside.

The second thing, however, is probably a sign of of my being a little more fucked-up: as I have done all my life, I generally don't give myself enough credit for what I have accomplished, and so although I've lost 100 pounds and am happy about that, what I immediately start thinking about is how far I still have to go. And lurking underneath that thought is another: when will I consider myself a DS success?

Now, this is a dangerous (though common) mind-game, I know. Frankly, intellectually, I think I should consider myself a DS success now: I've reached my surgeon's goal for me (and I had to slam him up against the wall to name that goal, as he resisted that -- which, frankly, I liked). I'm now mostly in a regular size 14, at least on top (headed toward a 12, I think, but of course it depends on the manufacturer), and wiggling my ass toward regular 14s on the bottom, which is the size of an average American woman. Who's overweight, yes, but I no longer stand out because of my weight. The DS has worked for me in that I'm much healthier than I was, and that's just the most amazing gift and something for which I feel profoundly grateful each and every day of my life now. In that respect I am, indeed, a DS success, and I know it.

However, when it comes to weight loss for the sake of ... well, weight loss itself, I find the matter much more confusing. When will I know that I'm a success according to my own terms in that department? {art of the problem is that I don't really know what my own goals are. I have no history of wearing regular women's sizes as an adult, so I don't have a lot of preconceptions about what size I want to end up at (in fact, I've been so out of the loop on that cultural trip that I just didn't get it when people expressed their weight loss goals in terms of what size they wanted to fit into). And my goal weight is pretty theoretical to me: I picked it as the highest weight that would put me in the medically "normal" camp, but I have no sense of what it will feel or look like on me. So while my health goals were pretty clear to me, my size and weight goals per se are not.

My approach so far is to try to let go of my OCD side, take the weight loss as it comes by doing what I can to optimize loss during the 12-18 month "window of opportunity," and re-evaluate where I'm at when this first initial period is over. Two women I like from the boards have made comments in passing about how I've lost more slowly than some -- and I think, "Have I? Am I a slow loser?" I have a moment of panic when I consider this, and then I think, "You know what? If I am, it's only in the WLS world where really rapid weight loss is the norm. No one outside that community would consider it slow. Also, I've been going through the process with my head screwed on straight, my marriage intact and a priority, a new career, and a satisfying, rewarding life." There are so many folks who can't say that.

All in all, a rewarding package deal. Now, more than ever, it's time to stay grounded as I use the next nine months to lose the last 20-some odd pounds.

Labels: Gratitude, Head-trips, Scale, Triumphs

Comments

[sparkly_jules]

Congratulations, Alison. This is only one of many great accomplishments you've handled this year--all simultaneously! :-) Well done. I hope to be standing in your shoes in the not-too-distant future.Attagirl!

[Anonymous]

Allison, contrats on reaching the century mark, as you put it. Most importantly, you are managing your life (and the new prof positions) w/o overeating. You have put a lot of headwork into the process and it shows!SuzyQ

[*S*]

Your post rings so many bells for me, A. I have really no sense of what sizes are, not having seen the other size of size 14 since I was 12. But 100 lbs is a serious amount of weight, by anyone's standards. Just to make things more concrete, you might fill a suitcase with 100 lbs and pick it up, then imagine carrying it up and down stairs, into classrooms, etc. It's hard not to get, if not competitive, at least overly "comparative" with others who have had the surgery. But, if we agree both weight loss and weight gain are, within certain givens such as sex, exercise, consumption, notoriously ideopathic it makes sense that some will lose at a different place than others. The statistical likelihood that you will be in the You are so close to the physical norm that you can taste it. That's beyond cool in and of itself. That you have accomplished this while keeping your mind and marriage intact is outstanding.Keep on keepin' on!*S*

[*S*]

Hey, a propos nothing except oc and books: do you use librarything ( www.librarything.com )? It's been majorly helpful for me in figuring out what I do and don't have. When you've moved around as much as we have and have as serious a book addiction, a person needs all the help they can get! Send me an email and I'll give you our library name and you can snoop around.*S*

[Dagny]

Yo girl, Sassy Ladies do not join the century club. WE SCORE A BENJAMIN!Congratulations on your BENNY!I'm having weird issues myself with the idea of "When am I finished?" When am I THERE? Where is "THERE" anyway? The number doesn't mean anything really. Let's all just keep moving forward on this wild ride we jumped on!

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, Alison! This is wonderful! And I remember seeing the "slow loser" comments and then thinking WTF? Losing 100 lbs in 9 months when you started out at under 300 is definitely not "slow" in any book.It is *so* difficult for Dr. K to give you a number, isn't it? It's like the man doesn't want to jinx us or something. He still hasn't given me one. Perhaps I'll pry it out of him in November.Sarah of Sheeple Rage

[Scout's Mama]

Well, hell Alison, I for one was over the moon for you yesterday when you posted - Century Club - remember I danced with my damn dog when I hit it...lol It's saying those words "one hundred pounds" out loud that knocked my socks off. Enormous Wow moment, woman. That was one of the few times I really got excited about the WLS. Now, as you know, I'm dealing with the whole *broken zipper* issues. And so it goes....

[Kate]

First, congratulations.Second, I would like to cut 90% of this post, post it on my own blog in about a week or so, and sign my name to it. That's how "dead on" it is. I'm fairly certain at the next official weigh in, I'll be at that century mark, if I'm permitted to include my pre-op weight loss from the date of orientation to present (and why the hell not, I f**king earned it!). So I've lost 88 lbs and then some in a little more than 18 months, and I'm always amazed how much less dramatic it all is. Precisely as you've described, it certainly isn't less satisfying. It's simply not as dramatic when I reach those milestones. I love them, of course, but I have not had tears of joy or over the top emotions at expected times, either. I believe the fact I don't react dramatically to milestones being passed is that I simply don't proclaim any miracles (there is not a single miraculous thing about this entire process, it's science and dedication and maturity, and that's all). I know why this is occurring, what I can do to make it successful, and pretty much what's going to happen, week after week. I'm grateful for it, but not stunned by it. Certainly there are truly satisfying moments when I chuck out the seatbelt extensions or buy yet another smaller pair of underpants, but most of my genuinely celebratory moments have nothing whatever to do with the weight itself, and have everything to do with the unexpected bonuses that I didn't anticipate.My brother picked me up from the airport when I recently flew down to see him. I arrived beaming from ear to ear because I didn't need the seatbelt extension, only to discover something much more dear to my heart ... he did something that in prior years, he's only done for my significantly slimmer sister.He opened his garage, polished up the vintage Porsche covertible he treats like a pampered child, put the top down, and pulled up to the passenger zone and honked for me to hop in to this darling little sport car -- because he knew I'd fit this time. I just blinked in surprise, got into this Barbie Dream Car and took off into the San Diego night. So yes, I'm happy that I will soon score a benjamin (what a great phrase!). I'm happy to be healtier and slimmer. I liked myself before. I like myself now. It's an accomplishment. When will I be done? I really don't know.See, I can't hear myself think all those thoughts over the sound that Porsche made when it roared up to the curb. That sound was simply more important and satisfying, than the other sounds rattling around up there.Congratulations, Allison, for scoring that benjamin not because of miracles or High Drama, but because a scientist helped you fix a problem, and now you'll become an even better version of what you already are. That's how I look at it. A great plumber makes you appreciate how much you love a good, functioning toilet.Maybe not so dramatic, but really, really important and satisfying, don't you think?Kate

[Sharon]

Congratulations sweetie. A well deserved victory - with more to come.Proud of you, switch sista!!Smooches.

[Edward O'Neill]

My therapist Dr. Selzer used to ask me: what is the belief? what is the evidence? what are the consequences of holding that belief? what are the alternative beliefs for which there is also good evidence? Evidence says: you did something good; you accomplished something major. Just keeping *showing* yourself the evidence.Are you faster or slower than someone else? Probably. Does it matter? You got there, babe. And it's part of a much larger journey, too, isn't it?

[Kim]

Hey Girl-Century Club!! Nothing to sneeze at. It is truly a milestone and you did it very quickly. I do not consider you a slow loser at all. You are doing great and sliding down the scale. My guess is that you will end up in the 8-10 range. I know it sounds ridiculous. It did to me even when I was a 12. You just gotta trust and yes MAXIMIZE the window because we will not have it again. Hugs on a great and significant milestone!!!!!!Kim