People!

I'm sitting here feeling kind of weirded out by a couple of people's reactions to me today, and before I write another word, let me say that I'm the first person to point out that we can control only our own actions and reactions and what we do with them, not those of other people.  I know this -- I really do.  I'm just saying that my reaction to other people's reactions today is one of discomfort, and one of the ways I'm dealing with that is to write about it.

The reaction of Person #1 occurred at Trader Joe's (an alternative grocery store, for those who don't have a TJs in their vicinity), and it happened when I was on my cell phone this afternoon, talking to a friend and asking him if the product I had in front of me was, in fact, the product that he had told me about and that I had gone there specifically to get. Out of the corner of my eye I suddenly noticed a young woman standing next to me with her cart in front of her, staring at me openly, her jaw slack. 

At first I thought she was irritated because I was talking on my cell phone in a public place, and I didn't really blame her -- but then recognition dawned (though not her name), and I realized she was a graduate student that I'd had in one of my seminars last year and whom I hadn't seen in at least a year (she's now done with course work and writing her thesis).

"Hey!" I exclaimed brightly (her name still not coming to me) and rapidly excused myself to the friend at the other end of my cell phone, saying I'd call him back.  And what ensued in the store was the kind of conversation that I suddenly realized I've never had in the course of the last year because I haven't gone a whole year without seeing people since my surgery.  A few weeks, even a few months -- but not 12+ months.

You know the kind of conversation I'm talking about -- the jaw-dropping, oh-my-god-you-look-so-good-what-have-you-been-doing kind of conversation in which the other person is really stunned and tries desperately and genuinely to process the change between how she remembers you as she last saw you and how you look now. Some people who lose a lot of weight seem to have these encounters often, but this is literally the first time in just over a year that I've dealt with such a pronounced reaction.

I felt a little sorry for her because not only have I lost a lot of weight but I'm her professor, so despite the fact that I'm relatively informal with students, she had to negotiate another layer of social do's and don'ts with me, above and beyond the issue of my changed appearance.  She clearly didn't want to offend me with her questions or her reaction, but she looked almost dazed and asked how I'd lost the weight (I was quite frank and matter-of-fact about having had the DS ["No, not gastric bypass -- no, not the lap-band"], as I always am). I tried to put her at ease, but she had a hard time holding up her end of the conversation in a coherent way. 

The more I thought about it later, the more unnerving I found her reaction to me.

What bothered me was not her complimentary attitude -- and it was exactly that -- because of course on some level the reaction is flattering.  No, it was the bewilderment and disorientation she was clearly experiencing that bothered me as she tried to match up the Past Me with the Current Me and found it difficult.

I mean, basically, what is the big fucking deal, you know?  I Was Fat and Now I'm Not.  Period.  I haven't suddenly turned green or purple.  I'm just -- Not Fat Anymore.  It's not right on up there with discovering a cure for cancer or even teaching a course well, for god's sake.  I'm trying to think ... have I known folks in the past who've dropped a lot of weight and left me with a slack jaw???  You know what?  I can honestly say that I've known some people who have lost large quantities of weight, but NO, I've never responded in that way. With surprise and delight and maybe a little envy sometimes, yes,  but not with that slack-jawed disbelief -- because who knows better than I that how you look is not who you are????)

Moving on -- to Person # 2's reaction to me ("Me, me, me -- what do you think of me?!").  This is actually much more indirect and I could be over-reading the situation, particularly as the reaction to which I'm referring has occurred only in the realm of email.  It involves a long-distance friend who's always been considerably smaller than I but had some weight to lose nonetheless, who did so very successfully through non-surgical means, and who has gained back some of that weight (hey, which one of us has not been there a zillion times before?).  For a variety of reasons, I'm sensing that my own weight loss has exacerbated some of my friend's feelings of disappointment in and judgment of herself and that those reactions are taking a toll on our friendship.

It's a relationship that has existed almost entirely in cyberspace and doesn't go back to the end of time or anything, but on its own terms it's a real and valuable relationship to me.  Assuming I've read the situation correctly, I feel a little sad about the new distance that's come between us and bad that my friend isn't feeling too hot about herself. I've tried to reach out a couple of times by email but I'm not getting much of a response back, and my impression is that, for her, it just doesn't feel that good to be in contact with me much right now.

Which, ultimately, is okay with me, in that I've been there myself.  That is, I've had points in my life when, for various reasons, I just haven't been able to be around certain friends because of my own issues.  It wasn't necessarily about them, but I still had to distance myself from them for the sake of my own mental health.  So I get it.

But I still get to feel a little blue about it.

Comments

[*S*]

I wonder if your student just didn't feel totally gobsmacked and at a loss for what to say? She may have also thought you looked wonderful, but been worried how to say it without implying that you looked less-than-wonderful before. Or maybe she is, at heart, just a slack-jawed yokel.

[Deluzy]

Oh, I *know* my student was, in fact, being complimentary -- that's not what was bothering me.

But is the transition from fat to a conventionally normal weight really THAT significant in this culture that people are blown away by it when it happens?

[*S*]

As sucky as the answer is, in a culture that bases so much on the superficial, surface and ultimately meaningless signfiers, yeah,it is that significant.

[Edward Oneill]

The fact that a major weight change is considered so significant--this is very revealing.

I suppose if you weighed 180# and lost 100#, we would be aware of it as a deadly serious matter. We would consider it against the will, the advent of something from the outside.

Is it because we feel that weight is not in our control? So to change it, there must be some external force? Sometimes it's true, God knows.

Do we still frame weight change as an Act of Will--not a change in habits and patterns? It's as if you lifted some boulder or increased your biceps through exercise.

Now if someone gained 100# of muscle, that would be noteworthy as well--and obviously a matter of great effort.

Are people recognizing this effort?

It seems revealing, but of what I can't say.

--Ed

[Deluzy]

My feeling is, in this country weight gain or loss is framed in terms of morality, not in terms of health. If one gains weight, one exhibits a lack of self-control; if one loses weight, one gains control, and Self-Control is a Good Thing in this culture.

As if it were entirely that simple for all people!