Self-loathing is a form of self-indulgence

I should know -- I've been there, and I am so profoundly grateful not to be there any longer. I credit my former therapist of many years, modern pharmaceuticals, and a lot of hard work.

Geneen Roth really does have the right idea.  She clarifies a few important points:

    "For the record, self-indulgence is:

• continuing to do what is harmful to you after you realize it is harmful

• getting lost in fantasies about how great your life is going to be while you continue doing the same old self-destructive things

• not asking for help when you need it ...

Self-kindness is:

• stopping doing what is harmful to you ...

• asking for help"

Self-immolation and self-pity go hand-in-hand with former.  Maturity, bravery, and letting go of fantasy march in lock-step with the latter. It's not brave or kind or thoughtful to isolate  during periods of self-hatred or vulnerability. It's ... nothing at all. It's a kind of spiritual death, and everyone in one's orbit has to mourn with the one who's chosen that death.

Why is that so hard to see when one is in the midst of that dreadful and bleak terrain? I was there once; I remember what it was like; I see clearly now that it was a form of self-indulgence, although I would have rebelled at the idea at the time because how could something so painful be self-indulgent?

And yet it was.

(I should probably drop my aforementioned former therapist a line and let him know that I finally understand that now.  I'm sure there were times when he despaired of my ever being able to grasp it and wanted to bash his head against a wall! In fact, I know there were.)

No, this post isn't tied to my previous post in which I was overly tired and stressed out from a tense day and a long academic year -- that was just a passing moment, fortunately.  It doesn't actually have much to do with me at all, really. I'm just struck by the amount of self-loathing I see online in various contexts, sometimes masquerading as something else (because, of course, actually admitting one's own self-loathing is a painful and humiliating process). 

Some people loathe their former fat selves.  I might loathe my former self-loathing self (uh, does that even make any sense?!) simply because she was such a frightened/frightening, self-destructive creature.  The self-loathing wasn't about my weight, by the way, but the weight was a symptom of the self-loathing (I don't mean to pathologize weight because, to paraphrase Freud, sometimes fat is just ... fat -- but in my case it did have a psychological component).

It's a lot simpler not to hate yourself, once you get the hang of it, and to choose self-kindness over self-indulgence.  Because, though I didn't realize it at the time, it is mostly a choice that one makes.

Comments

[Edward Oneill]

But expressing pain, sadness and just plain tiredness are not all equivalent, singly or collectively, with self-loathing.

Oh they can play their parts. They can rise to the level thereof.

I'd say it becomes self-loathing when it's active.

Feeling tired, bad, incompetent and other things, and sinking into bed while shedding a few tears, that's indulgence, certainly, but maybe well justified! Maybe useful. Cry, move on.

When self-pity expresses itself over the barrel of a chocolate chip cookie--or twenty--well then you're talking self-loathing.

Or any more than one alcoholic beverage.

Or self-pity sex, self-distraction sex.

Etc.

Distinction make sense?

[Deluzy]

"But expressing pain, sadness and just plain tiredness are not all equivalent, singly or collectively, with self-loathing."

Totally agree! :)