The Further Adventures of Deluzy

Personal blogging best

It's taken me a year, but this month I did it:  I managed to blog each and every day in November.

Not without a few real snoozers, I might add, and not without a little finessing (i.e., sometimes when I had a moment I'd write an entry and date it for publication the next day, knowing that when the next day came, I'd be too slammed to get online to post).

But I did it.

For me, as a writer/professor, regularity in writing (of any kind) is important in keeping the creativity and the flow of words going -- even when it's of the really informal, blogging variety that I do here, even when the blog itself is of no particular importance.  This is a space I created and maintain for myself, with the awareness that others peek into it now and then and share their thoughts with me.

There's always a fair amount of solipsism involved in blogging and the rather presumptuous assumption that there will be others out there who are interested in one's thoughts (otherwise why not just keep a personal diary?). For me in this space, blogging occupies a zone somewhere between the personal diary and the more formal essay -- I write more carefully here than I do in a diary, but this blog has also replaced any diary I used to keep.

Let's see how I do in December.

Size 10?

Well, this is a trip, I must say.

I did some shopping yesterday, mostly for Christmas gifts, but I'd also been looking for  a narrow "pencil" skirts for myself -- and I was kind of stunned yesterday when I found one, tried on a 10, and it fit. 

True, one of my pairs of jeans in a size 12 is too loose these days, so it didn't come as a total shock.  True, women's sizes vary widely according to brand and store, so this is pretty arbitrary. True, when I examined a size 0 at this store, simply out of curiosity (I'd love to know when that size was invented -- and by what marketer), it simply looked ... small to me, rather than micro-mini. The sizes run large in this store.

But it did make me realize that if/when it becomes necessary to have my hernia repaired (and man, I'm hoping that day never comes, actually), I'd probably end up an 8-10 on my lower half in most items.  Which means absolutely nothing in and of itself because, uh, who cares? But even the prospect messes with my head a bit because at 5'6" I've never considered myself small -- and don't want to (I like the whole Amazon thing when it comes to women, always have:  I'd love to have been my mother's 5'9", though she was a stick at 125).

But you know, why worry?  I may never need to have the hernia repaired, and it's pointless to freak out about something that may never happen.

(P.S. Yes, I bought the skirt: one in grey and one in black. They'll look terrific with black tights and tall, knee-high boots.)

100 Notable Books of the Year

Link: 100 Notable Books of the Year - 2007 - New York Times.

And I've read precious few of them. How sad is that?! However, now I have a list of sorts to refer to when I'm picking my next book to curl up with.

I've just read the kind comments that some folks left on yesterday's entry and was so touched. Happily, today is a much brighter day.  As *S* observed, some days are just ... grey ... now and then.  It happens.

But today's not grey. Today is actually a beautifully clear, crisp autumn day, inside my head and out. I'm getting some work done at home this morning, and then heading out for some shopping this afternoon.  I see a delicious sugar-free gingerbread latte in my future today.

Hard day

I got a couple of emails this morning that functioned as triggers for painful stuff from two difficult periods in my life, both of which were many years ago.

As a result I'm aware of three things: 

1. I used to inhabit a space of loss, anger, depression, and grief as if it had a physical address.
2. I no longer live there anymore.
3. But sometimes, as today, I do go back and look into that space once again, and it still hurts.

Despite the pain of today, or perhaps because of it, however, I'm truly grateful that my visits to that zone are now both seldom and brief.

May tomorrow be a better day.

Phew!

Despite yesterday's fretting, the evaluation of my morning class by a senior colleague went well -- astonishingly so, in my view.  Or rather, although I felt that my students were somewhat subdued and unresponsive, my colleague not only wrote up a really positive review (as I knew she would regardless of how the class actually went, because she's very supportive of me), but she was genuinely complimentary after the fact. 

I pointed out to her that the students had been a little inert. Her reply (simultaneously tongue-in-cheek but sincere):  "It's not about how inert they were.  It's about how fabulous you are! Anyway, I didn't think they were inert.  They were responsive, whispering to each other about ideas for their upcoming presentations, based on comments you were making and material you'd just presented ... that's all good!"

(At this point in the semester, pretty much everyone -- students and faculty alike -- are battling a fatigue factor, so at least we're all on the same page with how that impacts the classroom setting. And hey, if she thought they were responsive under the circumstances, I'm glad.)

I did have the great good sense to pick a sound clip to study in class that I knew the students would find both weird and amusing at the same time, however, so that helped.  When in doubt about what you're going to do in class on any given day, make sure the basic material for discussion that day is intrinsically interesting.  I've learned that much from all my years of teaching.

On other fronts, my weight is down to 156.8 this morning from a pre-Thanksgiving high of 158.8 -- so I got through that food-intensive week by remaining under goal (159) and even trimming a couple of pounds. Uh, that's kind of fabulous -- I'm trying to let that sink in. Last year at this time, I was still losing weight, albeit it much more slowly, but this year I'm in maintenance mode and have been for the last almost 6 months. I'm still learning the ins and outs of that process as I approach the second anniversary of my DS surgery.

I'm also discovering new things about my own psychology: too many treats really are not worth the price of my peace of mind or feeling comfortable in my body -- and that's a first, I must say! It's also a mind-blowing, empowering experience to look at the scale, say "I don't like that number!", and take action to make it move to a number I feel more comfortable with. I was never able to do that before two years ago.

So I'm learning to trust this surgically rewired new body of mine and the new habits I've laid down -- but I'm also learning to manage my own psychology around that, to connect with the gratitude for this second chance at life and at health that I've been given, and to banish complacency. It's an ongoing learning process that I suspect will never end for me, and that's okay.

I've always been a good student. ;)

High-ho, high-ho

It's back to work I go.

I have a feeling that these last couple of weeks of classes are going to be hard to get through -- even though my lectures are written. I'm being observed by a senior colleague this morning; I myself evaluate another colleague later this week; if it requires brain-power (whatever "it" is), I'm not sure it will get done.

In other words, consider me on auto-pilot from now on. 

This doesn't mean I'm expending no effort; rather, it means that if something requires a new and different approach or a fresh take, I'm not sure I can provide that right now. Everyone at the university feels much the same way, I know: all I have to do is look out at the sea of tired faces in any given class to recognize that.

I spent part yesterday running errands with my husband and trying to think about the holidays and what needed to get done for those and the rest of the time reviewing extra credit assignments, putting  Excel spreadsheets together  and formatting them to calculate semester grades once all the data are entered, and figuring out the nuts and bolts of the last few class meetings for the term.

It wasn't very brain-intensive work, but even a home-brewed latte with more than the customary amount of espresso in the afternoon couldn't wake me up: I had to retreat for a nap.  At this point I'm chalking it up to general, long-term fatigue and work avoidance.

Ah well, I'd better rally for this morning's class, at the very least.  Right now I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do in it, except that I need to show the students something that they can react to and talk about so as to get some discussion going, given that I'm being evaluated.  The course is about visual culture and criticism -- but I'm tempted to throw a wrench into the works and do something entirely on sound, just to shake things up.  Orson Welles intoning something, perhaps ...

Wish me luck. I'm definitely going to need some way to tie it all together, regardless of what I opt for in the next couple of hours!

Let the carols begin

Today it's time to put my nose to the grindstone and see to class prep for the last two weeks of the semester (not to mention the two weeks of grading after that -- through there's not much I can do there for the moment). Tomorrow I'm being observed and evaluated by a senior colleague in a class I don't feel wonderful about, and I need to figure out some approaches that will be both dynamic and useful to the students (always a challenge in this course). I've redesigned the class once, but it needs a lot of additional tweaking, frankly, and I won't be able to give it that kind of attention again until the summer, though I can make minor adjustments for the coming term. I know in advance that my colleague will write a generally positive report, as she's supportive of me and my career, but still ... that's all the more reason to do my level best.  Students and faculty alike are exhausted at this point in the semester, unfortunately. Ah well, at least it's the first of three classes I teach on Monday, so I'll get the experience behind me quickly. (You'd think after almost 20 years of teaching, one way or another, these kinds of evaluations wouldn't make me nervous any longer, but they do.)

Oops, that reminds me: I have a peer review to do of a junior colleague myself this week -- man, 'tis the season!

Speaking of which, in an effort to create a more pleasant environment for myself today and in the final weeks of the term, I've changed the desktop, screensaver, and Holiday Lights theme on my PC at home because I'll be staring at the thing for endless hours, and I've begun streaming Christmas music as I work.  The vast majority of what I listen to at the holidays is Gregorian or classical or traditional 19th c. carols sung by groups like Chanticleer but there are a few Big Band hits thrown in for good measure.

Yeah, I know -- don't I hear enough Christmas music in stores?

Well, not of the Good Stuff.  And as I've blogged before, I intend to stay out of stores as much as possible this holiday season, and most of the music I stream has a calming effect on me as I work -- plus it reminds me of life outside and beyond the daily grind.

Both very good things at this point.

I went back on my word

and stepped into a mall, as I said I would not do until after the holidays were over.

But I did it purely in order to see Beowulf in 3D this afternoon -- my husband's pick, I hasten to add, not mine.  All in all, it was somewhat better than I'd anticipated. I confess I neither know nor care much about animation and related issues (Disney's Snow White [1937] is still my preferred standard) and capture-motion is a controversial issue among animators, I know.

Still, it was a pleasant surprise to find the 3D aspect of the film relatively unobtrusive, as such effects go (based on past experience, I half-expected to feel nauseous or to be jumping all the time as blood and/or guts appeared to shoot into my lap, and such was not the case). It was also a plus to find that there is, indeed, a narrative arc to the whole thing, however much not part of the original epic it may be. 

All in all, I didn't hate the time I spent in front of the screen, and I didn't expect to be able to say as much afterward.  If that's damning with faint praise, so be it.

Thanksgiving at my friend's house was a friendly, convivial gathering. Well, okay, for the most part. I did get into a vociferous dispute about whether one's ethical obligation to live a useful life (however defined) is directly proportionate to the gifts one has (again, defined however) -- yes, was my position; no, was the position of the person whom I was debating. (Note to self: sometimes I can be a really self-righteous prig. I probably didn't need to argue as if I were verbally arm-wrestling the guy to the mat, particularly on a social occasion with multiple guests.) Aside from that contretemps, however, all went well.

And yesterday's jaunt on my own to the local Harvest Festival was nice in its own way, in that I got in multiple miles of walking and picked up a few items for others.  Its location inside a convention center rather took away from the hills-and-haystack harvest feel, but oh well.

Food has been ... okay.  I've consumed too many refined carbs (e.g., alcohol on Thanksgiving, a few pieces of fudge yesterday and today), which I need to watch -- but other than that, protein is high, no other unplanned carbs have crept in, and compared to past patterns of consumption, or even to the patterns of regular weight folks around me, I'm doing reasonably well.  Weigh-in on Monday will provide a reality check. During this food intensive week, my goal is to have maintained at 158.8 (with 159 being the uppermost range of  my defined goal weight).

Gratitude

Link: Let Us Give Thanks. In Writing. - New York Times.

Some thoughts to move us through the holiday season -- and beyond.

Being thankful for a tiny act, I found, was far more satisfying because it felt more immediate and genuine. So I was grateful for the free parking space I found at the train station, for the fruit vendor who finally had some ripe bananas ...

Harvest Festival

This is apparently a crafts fair/retail opportunity that travels from city to city, and I've always wanted to go -- so this year I am.

Now, I live in a more or less urban area, and so the concept of a Harvest Festival is anachronistic, there to evoke a feeling of nostalgia for a way of life that has disappeared from this region, at least on a family-farm level.

Which, of course, is one of the reasons I want to go.

Now, I know it's going to be held inside, in a large convention center, and I know, too, that it's just going to be booth after booth of goods that I probably won't want to buy and definitely don't need. 

But it's a way to get out among 'em today without actually stepping foot into stores (which will be zoos on the day after Thanksgiving), to feel the holiday spirit, and to enjoy the trip to and from the festival on public transportation (--> won't have to hassle parking).  I intend to enjoy the walking, to take a book so that I can settle somewhere after a while to read over a coffee and a carefully selected taste treat, and to chill out.

I'm looking forward to it.