The Further Adventures of Deluzy: Old ghosts

Health and Wellness

The Google 15
An excellent weight-tracking tool that keeps track of your moving weight average over time so that no single weigh-in is a cause for ecstacy or despair.
Understanding Your Tests
A good preliminary resource for understanding your lab work (though of course it's no substitution for discussing results with your doctor)
FitDay - Free Weight Loss and Diet Journal
An essential tool for me during my first 6 post-op months -- and a good reality check for anyone keeping track of daily food intake (e.g., calories, fats, carbohydrates, etc.) and activity levels
Gmaps Pedometer
A wonderful tool that allows one to map exercise routes and calculate miles covered and calories burned

Products I Like

Spanx
A line of comfortable foundation garments (and even easy-to-pack clothing) that comes in handy post-op to corrale that wayward, formerly obese flesh and make you feel comfortable. Available online, at Lane Bryant in larger sizes, at Nordstrom in smaller sizes, and sometimes at outlets for less.
Pure Protein RTD shakes
At an average of 35 grams of protein, 3 grams of carbs, and 160 calories, these ready-to-drink shakes work for me because I can chill them, grab them, pack them, and go. Available from a variety of online sources or at GNC stores.
Perfectly Sweet
Expensive but excellent source for sugar-free and no-sugar-added bakery and candy items.
Low Carb Corner
As near as I can tell, this site sells nothing but two kinds of breakfast cereal -- but as one who's avoided cereal since my DS surgery because it contains virtually no protein and far too many carbs, Protein Crunch is a wonderful option (i.e., 27 grams protein, 2 net grams carbs). It's horrifyingly expensive but for WLS cereal lovers, it's worth the occasional splurge.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Old ghosts

Yesterday was oddly difficult, thanks mostly to a (now thankfully rare) attack of depression and panic that, at one point, had me swallowing Ativan and going back to bed for a couple of hours after my husband and I had opened gifts. It snuck up on me unexpectedly and I only realized that, in fact, I was having a full-blown anxiety attack once I was under the covers once more and gasping for breath. Horrible feeling at any time, particularly on Christmas Day.

But looking back across the past several weeks I can sort of see how the groundwork was laid for it. Old baggage in and around Christmas that dates way, way back to my family of origin had been accumulating in various mental chambers for weeks now. Then gifts received and not received, symbolism intended and unintended, were the triggers. And stretched beneath it all, as always, is my wonky brain biochemistry which needs its daily care and feeding.

All in all, the mind can be a dangerous, dark place, and unhappily it was thus for me for most of Christmas Day. I laid low, turned off my phone, tried not to spread the non-cheer about to my husband (who couldn't help but notice that something was off), and tried to sort myself out. I isolate when I get in this place, kind of like an injured or sick cat, and that behavior was itself an old trigger ("Uh-oh, am I going to find myself huddled in a fetal position on the floor of my closet in the next few hours? Am I going Back There?" More anxiety, more panic.)

It's impossible to describe the condition to anyone who hasn't been in the grips of clinical depression, clinical anxiety (something which is true but which I also realize I use as truth to isolate myself further from others, thinking you can't possibly understand). Part of me still wants to numb out with additional meds, or with food; part of me wants to run run run to where no one can find me.

Sigh. None of this -- none of these feelings, none of my past -- relieves me of the obligation of taking care of myelf, being an adult, and dealing like a grown-up in the present. So I won't numb out with meds or food; I won't run away; and I suspect that this, too, shall pass -- sooner rather than later.

Posted at 08:15 AM in Head, Holidays | Permalink