The Further Adventures of Deluzy

Playing dress-up

With  my blog, that is. It's an excellent time-waster at the end of the semester -- very effective.

I was thoroughly satisfied with the previous look of my blog, which was more or less my own design and color scheme, but I felt that I wanted a change -- something clean, streamlined, and neutral for the upcoming warm weather (er, as if one wears one's blog -- not).

Obviously this is purely for my own amusement so there's no need to comment. I expect to rotate through quite a few prefab templates in the next few weeks, just to try things out. I'm an aficionado of red, but I'm actually trying to branch out into other, paler palettes at the moment. Something a tad more Zen-like (and yes, I'm aware that Typepad actually has a template called "Zen" in a range of shades).

This may be my blog equivalent of trying on the clothes in my closet and vowing to move beyond black, now that I've lost weight.

(Yup, this is a time-waster all right!)

Blog smack

Today is one of those days when I'm convinced that the very act of blogging is just incredibly narcissistic. (I realize that doesn't say anything good about me -- the irony is not lost on me, thanks.) And the more specifically narcissistic a particular blogger is, the more blind and self-deluded he or she is. Despite protestations to the contrary.

Maybe I'll take a vow of silence or go back to conventional journal-keeping.

The thing is, I feel guilty for reading blogs by folks I don't care for because I feel as if I should  Be a Nicer Person. I feel as if it's somehow hypocritical for me to be reading the blogs of anyone I don't like. (And if you're reading this, and you know I read your blog, and we maintain a relationship of any kind, on or offline, don't freak out because, no, I'm not talking about you!)

Why, then, do I feel guilty? The people in question aren't any with whom I pretend to have any relationship whatsoever. Our paths may have crossed, virtually or actually, as I once read their blogs in the pursuit of further knowledge about WLS generally or the DS specifically, but they aren't friends or even acquaintances in the present. They aren't people with whom I maintain any kind of relationship, on or offline, on the phone or in email. It was  only after reading them for over time that I realized they were Big Scary Trainwrecks and ran in the opposite direction. Except by that point I was hooked on the Trauma-Drama dynamics of their blogs, like an addict on heroin and so, in fact, I kept coming back for more virtual hits of the blog smack.

Well, but it's not nice to gawk at scenes of carnage, even when that carnage is emotional or psychological (maybe especially when it's that kind). God knows my psyche has been spread out over the asphalt at earlier times in my life, and it wasn't pretty. I should be that much more compassionate, less judgmental, and more tolerant as a result of my own experience of such damage, right?

And I'm not.  Why not? Is it really that I'm just kind of an awful bitch?  Is it just that it's petty Schadenfreude that's my problem? 

NOUN:

Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.

---

  ETYMOLOGY:
German :  Schaden, damage (from Middle High German schade, from Old High German scado) +  Freude, joy (from Middle High German vreude, from Old High German frewida, from  fr, happy)

When I can tear myself away from my own self-flagellation around this issue, however (and yes, my sense of guilt is quite real), ultimately I figure that no, that's not it. I'm a reasonably empathetic person, and I don't take delight in the misery of others. Not usually.  Not for no reason, anyway (okay, there went my chance at a golden halo).

But I am allergic to Drama Queens (male or female) because when they're the genuine article, they tend to be those schitzy types who construct and perpetuate a sense of victim-hood and heroism around themselves and to alternate between those two poles.  They engage in tactics of revelation and secrecy to heighten the drama, hook the people around them or their readers, and to keep them coming back for more because they themselves are addicted to the attention. They need people in their orbit -- actual or virtual -- to feel enthralled in order to feel as if they exist. And furthermore, they would protest that this is so.

That's it -- that's what I don't like.  The sense of manipulation I feel from such people.

Yes, I know I'm particularly antipathetic to manipulation because I was the daughter of a master-manipulator who spun a web of fascination of a sort, and later in life I was also the close friend of a female friend who did much the same thing. Eventually I got really, really sick of participating in such dramas, even as an observer, however, and now I try hard to steer clear whenever I have the power to do so.

It's not that these kinds of people have no positive qualities. Quite the contrary -- they can be very attractive, dynamic individuals. But they're toxic -- to themselves, certainly, and often to others. And they'll do whatever they can, spin whatever narrative they need to, in order to avoid confronting their own toxicity and narcissism.

While I pretty successfully avoid Drama Queens and manipulators in real life now, I'm still susceptible to them in their virtual, blogging forms. That's evidence that I'm not as free of my own tendency to engage as I'd like to think of myself as being.  Worst of all, in giving these folks attention, one is complicit, a reluctant Drama Queen-by-proxy.

And that's a really disgusting thought, I have to say.

Kudos to two WLS bloggers

I've done this before, but as I'm in the mood to procrastinate writing a proposal for a conference paper that's due by the end of the day, I thought I'd do it again -- and that is to point folks in the direction of WLS bloggers whom I consider amazing people and whose blogs are well worth visiting.

I have such admiration for Tia, who began her weight-loss journey at 500+ pounds and has, to my mind, been a model of how to work with her DS surgery to maximize weight loss and health. She blows my mind in her determination and follow-through, and she also seems like a really interesting, successful, head-on-straight kind of person in the rest of her life.

And Jen -- another amazing woman, who had successful RNY weight-loss surgery and then found herself confronting the demons that drove her eating disorder of bulimia.  (Losing the weight really is only the first part of the journey, and I think most WLS patients come to realize that sooner or later.) Jen's a beautiful writer, a creative soul, and she writes from a place of honesty that's bedrock-solid.  That woman is made of damn fine material, and I watch her journey with awe -- a real person going through real shit and coming out real strong in the process.

Check them out if you haven't already.

Blogging about weight-loss surgery

This is one of those days when I've spent the latter part of the afternoon avoiding real work by tweaking my blog -- and bloggers of all varieties out there know what a time-sink that can be! 

Today I'm torn because I don't really think of this blog as being specifically about weight and weight-loss surgery anymore (despite the fact that ultimately it dates back two and a half years and covers my fight for surgery, my experience of surgery itself, recovery, and developing new lifestyle habits for a post-WLS  existence) -- and yet recently I decided to join a few webrings that are specifically focused on weight-loss surgery. (I made this decision just before I found out that the first WLS surgery webring I joined was going belly-up, so it was good timing!) For me, joining webrings about weight-loss surgery  is less about driving traffic to my blog than it is about making it easier for those who are seeking information about WLS to find it.

Still, I worry about it a little. I devoutly hope that people out there don't rely on blogs for their sole -- or even main -- source of information when it comes to weight-loss surgery. (They shouldn't rely on newspaper columns or talk shows or other casual sources of information, either, because good lord the ignorance and inaccuracies that circulate in those arenas are distressing!) Blogs are good providers of anecdotal information, but reading blogs should augment, not replace, the hard work of doing the necessary medical research and determining the choice -- to have surgery or not, to have a particular kind of surgery -- that's right for each  individual.

One of the reasons I have so few photos on this blog (though I do hav a few -- you can click on a link in the left-hand sidebar) is that I myself rarely looked at before and after images when I was researching weight-loss surgery.  Believe me, being a size petite (er, which I'm not, even now!) was not what it was all about for me -- it was about getting a chance to live out a normal lifespan.  At 45 I had out-of-control Type II diabetes, blood pressure, and cholesterol; I was on 9-12 medications (I forget exactly), and they weren't effective; moreover, one of them (the evil Actos) made me gain 30 pounds in three months.  At 5'6" and 280 pounds, I was a walking time bomb, and I was terrified. Was my choice for surgery really all about my health? It sure as shit was.

Now, I won't say that I don't enjoy the change in my looks that has come with the weight loss -- that simply wouldn't be true.  But unlike many who lose lots of weight, I still recognize myself very readily in old photos, even as I recognize myself at my current weight (which is around 160 right now). I didn't hate what I saw in the mirror when I was fat, and I don't love what I see in the mirror now that I'm a normal weight -- I simply see me, though admittedly there are times when I do struggle with seeing myself accurately.

My hesitation in declaring this a weight-loss surgery blog at this point in time has to with the fact that  not only do I write about other matters here, but I also don't like to think of myself as someone who is defined by weight or having had weight-loss surgery -- so in keeping a blog that addresses that experience, am I, in fact, defining myself in that way?  I guess the most accurate answer would be one I don't particularly like -- namely, yes, I am, at least in part.  Weight's always had an impact in and on my life, fat or thin, and the ramifications and health issues that go along with WLS of any kind will be with me for the rest of that life. That's simply a reality.

What I don't want to be is someone who regards her greatest success as having lost weight. You know? That's just so sad and fucked up.  I don't want to be That Girl who apologizes for her former fat self or gloats over her present-day thin self. I don't want to be a WLS patient who's fat-phobic or appearance-obsessed.  Those folks are out there, believe me; some of them are blogging, and they truly sadden me. Sometime they see their own issues clearly; sometimes they don't, and as I've written before, reading their blogs can be like watching a train wreck because sooner or later you know that something else besides weight is going to bite them in the ass -- hard.  Weight -- in excess or in healthy amounts -- simply isn't these people's problem; it's the very least of them, actually, and it always was.

Ah well.  I've certainly had Train Wreck moments in my life -- indeed, for extended periods -- but the issues I refer to here?  They're not mine. I'm neurotic, I'm a tad OCD, I'm insecure and messed up about a lot of things -- but it's with a sense of genuine gratitude that I can say that being fat made me more compassionate, not less, toward myself and others. It's just not a moral issue, not an indicator of worth or self-worth. It's another fact of life -- and sometimes, with a lot of work, help, and luck, facts can be changed.

A new blog discovery (for me)

Wow.  Dances with DS -- which I clicked onto from Sharon's blog: at 6 years out from her DS, Jane is a great success story, and posts like the following illustrate why (I've taken the liberty of bolding her main points):

A good set of workable boundaries will automatically act as a ‘damage limitation’ structure. ‘Automatic’ is what we should be heading towards because if we feel we are continuing to make huge efforts longer term , it indicates that we may not have given things enough thought.

Here is my workable set of  boundaries which I still live by today:

• Always eat breakfast.
• At any meal: eat my protein FIRST then my veggies, then if I still wanted a simple carb I’d have it.
• Make my protein as tasty as possible. I started using lot’s of different spices and herbs and sauces to give my protein extra zing factor.
• Find out what head hunger is vs real hunger. ( I starved myself for a day to find out what real hunger felt like and boy is it different from the head stuff!). Once you feel it, you will know the difference.
• No food is utterly taboo, but I can only have sweet simple carbs after 8pm in conjunction with a ‘buffering’ snack such as nuts or a bit of cheese. A buffering snack is a way to evade a direct sugar hit on my insulin. Recently I use cinnamon sometimes, as it has been shown to help slow down release of blood glucose.
• Try to figure out my cravings & start to use less harmful food replacements. Chocolate can be replaced with hot chocolate milk. Processed cereals can be replaced with a muesli made of :organic oats, spelt flakes, rye flakes, seeds and nuts. Bread can be replaced with rye bread, or soya-linseed loaves. Desserts can be replaced with hot fruit & creamy yogurt or low fat(for those who follow low fat) ideal milk concoctions that include sugar free jellies perhaps.
• Taking vitamins and minerals is NOT a choice.  It’s a non negotiable daily fact for me. Point blank.

These are really wonderful "workable boundaries," as Jane calls them, and ones that I put in place for myself as well. I've slipped a bit in recent weeks, however, and so her guidelines are a useful reminder.

They're also an illustration of how livable the DS is.  In most cases there are really very few restrictions -- just more or less productive ways of maximizing the results of the surgery itself.

One more reason to be grateful.

Eating disorders, WLS bloggers, and "honesty"

There have been recent postings in the WLS blogosphere about eating disorders -- specifically bulimia -- by at least a couple of bloggers who've had weight-loss surgery (different kinds) and by those who read and choose to leave comments. In general, the comments on the blogs have tended to be supportive, though there have also been snarky, nasty remarks as well, and it's made me reflect on any number of subjects, all of which I feel are connected in some way, none of them terribly clearly. 

• The first is easy and obvious: eating disorders are dangerous, they are potentially deadly, and they are health issues -- emotional and physical -- rather than moral issues.

• Eating disorders run the gamut from anorexia nervosa to compulsive overeating, manifesting in anything from skeletal thinness to morbid obesity and, very occasionally, masquerading as health at a normal weight.

• Our culture reacts with horror to anorexics and the morbidly obese  because the signs of their illnesses are luridly inscribed on their bodies -- the first in terms of lack, the second in terms of excess.

• The culture reacts more variously to bulimia because the sick person is not always underweight: it's a disease that can be kept secret, at least for a while.  In general, people are repulsed at the idea of purging by vomiting or shitting to regulate weight (as if that were ultimately what the diseases are about -- they're not), but they may admire the figure or the weight that one achieves through those methods. It's an odd, implicit, don't-ask-don't-tell kind of phenomenon.
  

• In some ways, bulimia is the sexiest of the eating disorders. Unless you have it. They make TV movies about it.  They make TV movies about anorexia as well.  They don't make TV movies about morbidly obese people, though.  Fat is not sexy. Too thin isn't sexy, either, but thin is and after all, "You can never be too rich or too thin."  (Who first said that? No one knows for sure.)

Now, remember the feminist saying from the 70s that "rape isn't about sex, it's about power"? Frankly, I always thought was a stupid rhetorical gesture, because why is it an either/or issue?  Certainly rape is about sex -- and it's about power. It's just not about all sex.

But hey, I understood the larger point, and people need to understand the larger point here:  just as rape isn't "about" sex, eating disorders aren't "about" food.  They're about control -- but they get played out in and around food and the body. 

I'm not stating anything profound here that the average person can't figure out or that hasn't been widely addressed in a whole host of medical and psychological literature.  What I am saying, however -- albeit in a long-winded way -- is that, to judge from comments I've read, there's a tendency to look upon the WLS bloggers who have written about their eating disorders and called them such in very two-dimensional terms.  They're either Heroically Brave People Who Are Suffering or they're Villains who have somehow misrepresented their weight-loss experience, been "dishonest" in some way by Not Revealing All from the beginning.

You know what?  All they are is ... people.  Just plain ... people. How they're perceived depends in part upon the tone and emphasis of their writing, what they've chosen to blog about, and how they've presented themselves over time.  As readers, folks might have a particular preference for an approach or style, but these bloggers just individual voices out there whom you may or may not like but whom you do not know (unless, of course, you do).  They're not celebrities, they're not famous, they're not particularly well-adjusted or particularly nuts.  They're not particularly anything, except, usually, trying to get a grip on Normal, as a lot of us are.  And they write a blog.  That's it.  They're tiny little fishies in a great big ocean, and most of them know it.

So give these folks a break. 

If you praise them to the skies as brave and whatever else, then that's simply one more thing they often feel they have to live up to (and can't). Yes, be supportive, but let them be real, you know?

If you think they delude others or are self-deluded, maybe you're right and maybe you're not.  But so what? As they say about television programs you don't like, turn it off or change the channel.  But don't leave nasty, hurtful remarks on a blog because 1) it's bad manners ("If you can't say something pleasant, don't say anything at all"); 2) it's bad karma; 3) it's a really shitty thing to do.

And really, there is life beyond the blog. For readers and writers alike.

Issues, folks have Issues

I'm reading various blogs and I see I'm not the only one With Issues this holiday season.  Good to know.  In fact, I feel downright emotionally healthy by contrast with some.

(A fig newton of my imagination, I realize.)

On the other hand, my weight was up this morning to .8 above goal.  Unacceptable.  Could it be (gasp) Too Many Seasonal Carbs? It could. It is. 

Which is why three (count them -- THREE) containers of assorted cookies are sitting, mercifully unopened, in cupboards in my kitchen. Wait, make that four -- because I think one of the packages that arrived today from my brother contains a batch of almond cookies that he makes annually in remembrance of our grandmother, who made them each Christmas.

That's a lot of cookies in the house, even for me, a cookie-lover.

As long as the boxes and containers remain unopened, I'm fine.  After that? All bets are off.  A serving size is the entire box -- (well, maybe not, post-DS, but that's still my mentality when it comes to cookies) -- so I'd best steer entirely clear of them for as long as possible.

Today was a pretty protein-rich, carb-reasonable day, however.  (Going above goal, even by a fraction of a pound, makes me too nuts these days for me to feel okay about not cutting back the consumption.)

Even cookies don't taste that good (that's what I'm telling myself anyway).

Alternative Gifting = Lending and Microloans

Link: Alternative Gifting = Lending and Microloans.

Good reflections and options.

Blogiquette -- or flowers, books, and candy

Why do some bloggers (of reasonable economic means, incidentally) think that it's somehow okay (translation: in good taste, socially acceptable) to suggest -- by implication, overt suggestion, or the placement of a widget on their blog -- that they will accept gifts or money from readers (to whom they do not have a personal connection) for their own private benefit?

I don't get it.

I may not get it -- but I sure see it often in a range of different blogging contexts.

I can understand asking for donations to a good cause that will benefit someone else -- or selling something on one's site that's specifically dedicated to commercial, for-profit enterprise. But to solicit gifts or money for oneself from strangers, simply because, hey, they read what you voluntarily and freely put out there to be read and because you'd like to have something? Go on a trip? Purchase a service?

How is that okay? How is that not tacky and presumptuous? 

(I'm not knocking any individual blogger, by the way; I couldn't, really, because I've seen such things on any number of blogs. I really am just trying to understand the behavior. It's not an isolated phenomenon and I'm clearly not comprehending what makes the phenomenon okay.)

Admittedly, while I'm not quite of the generation that believed a woman should accept only flowers, books, or candy from an admirer, metaphorically that basic concept does govern my notions of etiquette. A corollary to it is that one does not solicit gifts from strangers (or anyone, really, because then it's a request, not a gift).  Among intimates and friends, different conventions may apply, but in the blogosphere? Surely the most basic rules should obtain.

What's the deal, people?

i saw a beautiful pair of boots the other day, and I'd also like to go to Paris.  Anyone want to ante up? (Honestly, that's how crass such behavior in a public sphere seems to be to me.)

Personal blogging best

It's taken me a year, but this month I did it:  I managed to blog each and every day in November.

Not without a few real snoozers, I might add, and not without a little finessing (i.e., sometimes when I had a moment I'd write an entry and date it for publication the next day, knowing that when the next day came, I'd be too slammed to get online to post).

But I did it.

For me, as a writer/professor, regularity in writing (of any kind) is important in keeping the creativity and the flow of words going -- even when it's of the really informal, blogging variety that I do here, even when the blog itself is of no particular importance.  This is a space I created and maintain for myself, with the awareness that others peek into it now and then and share their thoughts with me.

There's always a fair amount of solipsism involved in blogging and the rather presumptuous assumption that there will be others out there who are interested in one's thoughts (otherwise why not just keep a personal diary?). For me in this space, blogging occupies a zone somewhere between the personal diary and the more formal essay -- I write more carefully here than I do in a diary, but this blog has also replaced any diary I used to keep.

Let's see how I do in December.