The Further Adventures of Deluzy

Full to the gills

Go figure the food thing.  I can't.  I'm coming up on my period, and as is typical since WLS, my appetite shrinks drastically in these few days before it hits.

Only as I've said, I'd swear it's not just my appetite but my actual stomach that shrinks: I get that backed-up-in-the-throat, full-to-the-neck feeling that I used to have in the first 6-8 months after my DS when I got full very easily.

Today it happened after my husband and I had gone out for a late Mexican breakfast. I had a small cup of tortilla soup for starters (I ate around the tortillas and took the broth, vegetables, a little melted cheese, and the stewed chicken) and then chile verde. I ate only the stewed pork (which was tender and delicious) and left the rice and beans.  Protein only, in other words.

An hour later, as I was strolling around a local arts and wine fair that's held annually, sipping a bottle of water to stay hydrated, and thinking about walking home, I realized I had that gaggy feeling at the back of my throat. 

WTF?  I was full, certainly, but I hadn't overeaten, eaten too quickly, or not chewed my food thoroughly. 

However, just topping it all off with about half a bottle of water less than an hour later put me over the top.  I made my way home (about a 30-minute trip), walked in the door, and headed directly for the bathroom.  The water came back up immediately, rather as if I were a human fountain, but the meal stayed down. (Fortunately. I wanted to hang on to that protein, thankyouverymuch!)

At other times of the month I can be a bottomless pit and put away large quantities of food, though not as much as I used to.  But right now?  Well, let's just say that I'm sipping a protein shake so as to make sure I hit my protein minimum for the day because it's not going to happen through food alone.

And to add a little cheese to my whine ...

My weight's been up by a few pounds in the past several days -- during exactly the same time that I've been riding herd on my carb consumption and being vigilant about maximizing protein.

Sigh.

I can feel that I'm constipated, despite my use of a couple of laxatives to unplug me.  Frustrating. It's a little too far past the end of my period for monthly timing to be the culprit, so you got me.  Sometimes I think eating a lot of meat stops me up, and indeed, it might be that since I've ratcheted up the meat in the past few days to amp up the protein. 

I probably need to eat a few Krispy Kremes to clean out my system (kidding -- though since DSers don't process fat very well and most of it passes right through them, eating something high in fat and protein and low in carbs might not be a bad idea.  A big plate of bacon and fried eggs, perhaps). In general, activity seems to help over time, as does caffeine.

Part of the problem could be my large hernia, of course, interfering a bit with my guts. It poses no danger, apparently, but it could be one of the factors in occasional temporary back-ups.   

Anyway, it's at times like these that I not only don't like what I see in the mirror but I suspect that the image I see there is a bit body-dysmorphic  I spent about 30 minutes trying on and discarding clothing today after my shower because -- here we go -- I felt as if everything I put on made me look fat.  The more items I discarded, the more stressed I got -- and yet this is not something I usually do. 90% of the time I pick out what I'm going to wear and it's no big deal. Today, however, I stressed big-time..

Head trips suck.

Weekend musings

I've had a relaxing and mildly productive weekend with my husband away on an overnight hang-gliding trip (yes, I worry -- but he used to go every weekend when we first met, and lately he hasn't been in over a year: I think the fact that a fellow hang-glider pilot he knew fell out of the sky and died a couple of years ago, leaving a wife and two little ones, inspired him to scale back -- that, and the fact that he now has a home life that he enjoys with me and the kitties.)

In my husband's absence, I enjoyed having the house to myself (though I'll enjoy having my husband home safe and sound more).  I did a (very) little light house-keeping, tidied up, worked a little (as I am also doing today), and then last night I settled down with a couple of DVDs to try out our new 50" plasma TV screen.  My husband is the one who pushed for it, but I have to say it was kind of wonderful to watch the ever-fabulous Now, Voyager (1942) on it, and even last year's The Invasion, a riff on the 1956 classic Invasion of the Body Snatchers, was more interesting than it would have been on a smaller screen.

Today I've had another reasonably relaxing day, minus the DVD-watching.  Mindful that my PCP told me my protein levels are low, I began the day with a protein shake and a latte, both of which I drank while sitting in the back yard in an Adirondack chair and enjoying the morning sunshine.  Then I threw together a beef stew in the crockpot for dinner tonight and for additional meals later this week.  Protein Central.

Moreover, I've decided it's time to cut out the refined sugar carbs except for an occasional treat once or twice a week -- n minimal amounts -- and to scale back even the  non-sugar carbs.  Popcorn, okay; popcorn and chips, not okay. And so on. I'm serious as a heart attack about not taking my DS and its benefits for granted, and I need to recommit to the basics of DS eating.  I gave myself a B+ the other day on that front -- but I'd like to shoot for an A instead.

Disordered eating

Link: Elastic Waist - Rants and musings on weight, body image, celebrities, fitness, food and other fixations.

Okay, I admit it. Although I'm genuinely very satisfied with my weight-loss results (and even think my face looked better with 40 more pounds on my frame), sometimes I feel like a B+ student instead of a straight-A honor's candidate.

Why?

Because I did not get down to Skinny.  I just got down to -- Normal.

How sick is that?  Rationally, I don't like the way Thin looks.  On pretty much anyone.  I like the way Normal looks, and I like how I look, being Normal. More importantly, I like the second chance at life that Normal gives me.

But part of me wonders what I would look like Skinny -- even though, intellectually, I know that the answer is, "Unhealthy. Old. Unattractive."

That'd be okay, though, right, because I'd be Skinny?

I have a pretty positive body/self-image at this point in my life, I think, realistically speaking -- and yet I still have these thoughts in passing -- so I can imagine how genuinely emotionally tortuous the vicissitudes of a full-blown eating disorder are.  It makes me sad for those in the grip of one, and it makes me rejoice for those who are emerging.

And it also makes me frustrated with myself and a tiny bit insecure, no matter how far I've come.  (Is it really okay that I'm not a Stick?  A size 2?)

Hmm.  You know what?  You bet your sweet ass it is. (And I like my ass now.  True, it's a tad flat, and unclothed it has a certain sag factor to it -- but in well-fitting jeans?  It's okay for a middle-aged chick. ;) ). 

Two data points

Getting to altogether new lows in weight can be scary, I think -- I mean, it's great for someone who's been morbidly obese for the vast majority of her life, but it felt like such unfamiliar territory that I found it unsettling. I think my lowest weight on this WLS journey (for a nano-second only, mind you) was 152-point-something. I stared at that number on the scale as if it were an alien from Mars and felt simultaneously elated and frightened.

Now, of course, I'm in the low 160s (i.e., a few pounds above my stated goal of 159), and I'm just trying to feel my way with that. There's often a well-known "bounce" of up to 20 pounds that happens with my form of weight-loss surgery after initial weight loss and the equally initial period of stabilization (I suppose the actual amount depends on one's basic size and other variables).

Is my current gain part of that? Or not? Is it avoidable? Is the gain okay with me? Is this amount okay, but more would not be? I've lost the hysteria I'd feel when the scale showed 159+.  Is that a Good Thing (in that I'm OCD) or a Bad Thing (in that my OCD kept me in check) -- or, simply Is It, without any kind of value judgment attached?

(How very Zen of me.  How extremely unlikely and unconvincing of me.  I haven't a clue, really, how I'm feeling about this as I write this morning.) Right now I'm simply asking myself where I'm at with the gain (but also obsessing about how I can be more or less newly in a size small in some tops, despite a gain of several pounds?!)

Best not to get too obsessed with numbers, I guess, is one message I need to focus on. The scale is one data point, clothing sizes are variable (notoriously so for women, according to era, fashion, maker) and another set of data points, and then there's fitness (poor), labs (um, gulp -- still need to do those!), and probably others as well.

As with everything else since my DS surgery in December 2005, I'm going to have to feel my way through this phase to see where I'm at and how I feel in my head, my body, and my clothes. I hate that.  I'm a control freak, and I like to  How I Feel and What I Should Do About It.

Whatever "it" is.

P.S. Lenten outcomes

Before I totally forget to  mention it, I should confess that I failed miserably at this year's Lenten resolution to give up coffee shop lattes (ones I made for myself at home were okay, according to my scheme of things.  Don't ask me why).

I made it through the first week of March -- kind of -- and then when my work schedule careened out of control with the search for a new chair, I caved.  I was sucking back coffee shop lattes to beat the band.

It's sick, but they felt Fundamentally Necessary to me in order to 1) get through my grueling days and nights; 2) meet my protein quotas.  It got to the point where I dreaded ordering another latte (which I never would have thought possible), but I knew that I would collapse without one. Literally.

(*S* is correct when she comments that adequate rest is especially necessary for DS patients and that the margin for error with that is much narrower than it is prior to WLS. I have one or two times a year during my job when it's literally impossible to make sure I get that rest, and inevitably I feel sick with fatigue during those periods. Feels utterly and completely awful.)

At any rate, my consumption of lattes has now dropped back down to one, sometimes two, a day.  (Hey, I do love my lattes.)  Now it's time to figure out how much money I might have saved if I had successfully not bought lattes throughout Lent and then donate that amount to Kiva.org, a really wonderful microloan organization. That was my original intent, and that, at least, I can follow through on.

Where's my calculator?

A few shopping coups

I avoided work most (but not all) of the day, in part by heading to a fairly high-end outlet mall about half an hour away and ended up coming away with a few deals from Coldwater Creek:

• Two floaty spring/summer skirts, both originally priced at $89.95, for $9.99 each
• A black, Asian-print, jacquard vest that can be dressed up or down, originally $49.99, for $12.50

Cool!

It was a pretty, sunny day, though cool, so I enjoyed walking around a bit. At one point I settled myself at an outside table with a grande sugar-free vanilla latte and a petite vanilla scone to people-watch and then later I stopped in at Fresh Choice and sampled a few different kinds of salad, had a grilled breast of chicken, and some chicken soup (I find I no longer get my money's worth from buffet-style places, but I wanted soup and salad, and that was the most convenient option).

Never mind that I had three madeleines when I got home. (Suffice to say it was not a Proustian moment, either.  As I dimly recall, he limited himself to one.)

And there's the evening to get through, my most vulnerable eating time. Dinner was a grilled ham and cheese sandwich, courtesy of my husband, which isn't a bad choice for a DS patient, and if I want to eat something later, popcorn is what works best for me. 

If I stick to that, I'll be happy. The protein bars and the shake earlier in the day ensured that I got to  my protein minimum and then some.

Bottomless pit

That's me today.  I'm not sure what the deal is ... but if it's not nailed down, I'll eat it, or at least that's the way it feels.

Today I wrote and sent off a proposal for a conference in November that, if accepted, would have me traveling to New Zealand.  I want the proposal to be accepted for professional reasons and will be disappointed if it's not -- but on the other hand, my university offers very little in the way of reimbursement for such expenses, NZ is a damn long distance from California, and the conference is scheduled around both Thanksgiving and the end of fall semester. A logistical frightmare.

So maybe the conflict I feel about the conference generated angst that made me want to eat. 

I also feel as if the rest I got during spring break has suddenly deserted me and I'm tired all over again after only a week back.  Granted, I'm not as exhausted as I was before, but I am so damn ready for the school year to be over, and I have a lot of work left to do before I can say that it's safely put to bed.

The very thought makes me want to curl up in bed under my warm electric blanket and hide away from it all.

On the other hand, my husband and I were both awake in the middle of the night for no good reason, and  that's probably the immediate cause for my fatigue today. No deep psychological reason for the fatigue or great mystery after all, perhaps.

Two steps forward, one step back

That's the little dance I do with my carb consumption. 

It's a dance I do at night, in particular: I'll have eaten well and healthfully all day and then the night comes.  Night no longer scares me, as it used to do when I was a child, and the house was rocked with fights between my parents, or marked by my father's nocturnal visits to my bedroom.  My mother, long dead, no longer feeds me saltine crackers to comfort and quiet me in the middle of the night; my father no longer buys my implicit promise not to tell what goes on between us behind my bedroom door with food.

But 40 years later, I sure do like to eat at night, and what I like to eat are carbs! I've worked through a lot of the early food/trauma-related issues of my past, but let's face it, really archaic patterns and associations die hard, and it takes extra energy to build new ones to replace them. My carbs-as-comfort food association will be something I contend with all my life, and basically, that's okay with me.  Everyone has something, right?

I'm glad I can report that yesterday I took advantage of my membership at GNC and bought a month's supply of protein bars and shakes (yes, I still use them as one of the tools in my arsenal to make sure I get enough protein and don't veer too far off track) -- but I'm not thrilled with the fact that, later that evening I also dived face-first into a bag of Doritos and a few tiny bags of M&Ms. (Some Doritos, rather than two cereal bowls' worth, and a single 100-calorie packet of M&Ms would have been fine in my book -- but not the amounts that I went for.)

Mostly I find that the higher I boost my protein during the day, the less inclined I am to carb out at night, so that's my plan for today. Let's see how I do.

Reentry

Yesterday's return to campus life and teaching following spring break was relatively painless, albeit busy (today will be even busier). I absolutely benefited from the rest I managed to get last week, and now I can take on the rush to the end of the semester.

There's some departmental fall-out from the search committee's recommendations to the dean regarding making an offer to a Chair candidate -- but I laid low yesterday, didn't get hassled as a member of that search committee, and feel comfortable and confident in the fact that, whatever shakes down, the committee did a responsible job.  Let others angst out and have all the Sturm und Drang -- I'm done!

With minor slips here and there, the mindful eating seems to be going well.  A little over a week ago I was at 165; yesterday I was at 160.4. Less than two pounds to go and I'll be back under goal. It's not even difficult to do: I make sure to focus on protein first, then try to choose complex carbs if I'm going to have them, and if I do opt for simple, refined carbs, I generally try to pair that choice with a little protein.  Okay, a few Lindt truffles followed by a piece of cheese may sound odd, but the cheese a buffer against the chocolate's hit to my blood sugar, it's protein, and the fat in the cheese means my system doesn't hang on to it -- so it's all good.

Time to get organized for the day.